This is a personal story originating from my daily journaling, so bear with me. I retired about a year and a half ago with aspirations of getting back into playing guitar again, doing my yoga and meditation practices, fixing up my house, volunteering at a charity, working on my diet, and writing a book, just to name a few things I hoped to accomplish. I eventually got to the point where I literally scheduled every hour of the day from 5:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. to fit all these things and more into each day. Inevitably, things would come up, and I would be late getting to the scheduled task for something, or I would skip it completely. The whole thing turned out to be nothing but a disappointment due to not achieving the things on my calendar, and on top of that, it made my life pretty boring.
This whole planning process for every minute of my life had been going on for a long time. When I was working, my primary role was being an IT Project Manager for various companies. I guess being a project manager for so long actually became who I was to a large degree, thus the planning affliction.
Revelation
I woke up one morning very early and told myself to let it all go. You know those pep talks you give yourself in an attempt to deal with this week’s self-imposed suffering, maybe even writing them down in a journal. I thought it would be best to try from time to time to drop the expectations. I wasn’t thinking that I didn’t need to do anything. I still realized I needed to deal with the important things, such as emergencies, appointments, cooking, cleaning, and fixing things, etc., but also to make time for things I enjoyed, which always seemed to come after everything else. I was just attempting a reset to alleviate the pressure of always needing to be productive, always achieving something.
So, with a decision not to be ruled by a calendar, I looked at my numerous goals and did a radical thing, which was to remove the dates. I deleted the start and end dates while keeping the goals, which I felt were still worthwhile. Now, understand the goals still had a priority column, so it wasn’t complete chaos, but it also took the pressure off looking at those dates and thinking Oh, you missed that one or You haven’t achieved this or that. I guess you come to a realization that you only have so much time and so much energy, and some of the things you are looking to do take significant amounts of time to make progress, and some, like playing guitar again, end up permanently on your agenda. So my desire to write a book, learn Spanish, and take up playing guitar again, along with everything else, got to be too much, so I shelved learning Spanish so I could focus on music and writing.
This all boils down to a few overarching guidelines when it comes to goal setting and how it affects what you do each day:
Deal with the basics, those things you must do for your health, family, residence, etc. These are the basics that pretty much everyone needs to deal with. You know, go to the dentist, doctor, do your grocery shopping, pay the bills, do car maintenance, and make sure your family is taken care of. The cautionary tale here is that not all of these things need to be done now, so don’t let this list of the basics monopolize all your time. Here is a stupid example: I had some new decking put in a few years ago, replacing what was there, and it took me 5 years to stain it. Seems kind of negligent, but I was working then, and I could have outsourced it, but chose to just do it later.
This is the most important thing that I decided needed to be the primary influence on how I spend my time, and that is to do the things you enjoy. If you let dealing with the basics consume all your time, or you’re working on goals that really don’t excite you, then you need to ask yourself if you are enjoying what you are doing or just trying to check off something on a task list that supports a goal that doesn’t really enrich your life.
Simplify your life. To make time for doing the things you enjoy, you need to stop doing things that you think should be done, but are not really that important. We have all heard of minimalism, and there is some value in removing things and obligations from your life so you can focus on the things you really enjoy. This is really about the ruthless pursuit of removing material things and obligations that you feel compelled to do from your life. Everything you buy needs a place to occupy in your home, and must be maintained to some degree, then possibly replaced when it is no longer functional. You think you might like a vacation home on a lake so you can go fishing, but when you buy the home, you spend your time fixing up the house, maintaining boats and docks, landscaping, furnishing the home, paying utilities and property taxes, and pretty soon you realize you don’t have any time to go fishing. Instead, renting a cottage for a week, renting a boat, or even buying a boat is a lot less costly and requires less maintenance than owning a piece of property.
Don’t spend your time trying to impress anyone. If you are doing something to impress someone instead of because you enjoy it, then drop it. To have the time to do the things you really enjoy that bring meaning to your life, there needs to be a ruthless culling of the things that, in the scheme of things, don’t enhance your life. Ask yourself, why am I doing things to impress other people? Maybe it’s all about your ego and seeking validation from others. Most of the time, you find that they really don’t care because they have their own problems and their own need for validation.
Conclusion
The Buddha taught us that life is impermanent and that things are impermanent. We will get old and die, regardless of what the tech oligarchs think. Those things that we have will no longer be ours when we are gone. Most of the societies in this world want their people to be productive, to earn, and consume more, for what is more important than economic growth and prosperity? Don’t buy into this myth that has been created, or you will never be free to pursue the things you enjoy. These things will become goals for the future, instead of what you could be doing in the present.
So realizing that what I was doing was at least partially aligned with a need to be productive over pursuing what really mattered to me, became the revelation. I also realized that I would need to keep prioritizing my happiness in the present moment and not worrying about how much was accomplished. Do that thing that you enjoy, and you will find that you will accomplish more in the long run, and as you achieve what you set out to, you will allow a little joy into this life.
I’ll wrap this up with a quote from Lao Tzu:
Namaste
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One of the fundamental principles for a Buddhist is acquiring mindfulness from meditation. In this blog post, I will outline some challenges the householder faces in adopting a meditation practice.
Meditation Challenges
In some ways, the challenge of learning to meditate is both a time issue and an issue of not having a teacher. Where will I find the time to meditate? How do you learn to meditate without a teacher?
When I refer to meditating I am talking about sitting meditation. Let me address the time issue first. I advocate that one should meditate for 10 – 20 minutes a day. Of course, you can meditate for much longer, but if you are new to meditation 10 to 20 minutes will be adequate. If you make time to meditate for say 10 minutes a day as you begin your practice, then time shouldn’t be much of an issue. I use the 10 – 20 minute range because I’ve found it takes several minutes to get into a mindful state, and any less than 10 minutes of sitting meditation is probably insufficient to be beneficial. Being a householder you will be responsible for structuring time for your meditation practice, unlike at a temple where you meditate say twice a day at specific times.
It’s not so much do I have a teacher to learn meditation, because a householder could find a meditation teacher preferably a Buddhist if they wanted to. The broader question is how do I learn to meditate? Getting some help from a meditation teacher would be helpful, but meditation is such a personal experience, ultimately it’s about you and your meditation cushion. Few things are as solitary as your daily meditation practice and it is meant to be that way.
Learning to Meditate
I’m not going to go into great detail, but instead provide a few tips about creating the meditation practice that supports your overall Buddhist practice. I’ve written several blog posts about meditation that I will share with you here:
Meditation Experiences (Uno) – This blog post covers some of the basics like place, cushions, sitting position, duration, etc.
Meditation Experiences (Dos) – In this blog post I wrote about some of the benefits that meditation can bring to your practice.
Meditation Experiences (Tres) – Within this blog post I wrote about the expectations you should have for your meditation practice.
Mediation Experiences (Cuatro) – I describe how meditation is a key component of your practice providing you a lifeline to address the suffering of everyday life.
Most of these were written some time ago and as their title implies they cover my meditation journey. My meditation practice has continued on a regular basis to this day and as my practice has progressed I would like to share a few tips to get you started including:
Place – Buy a meditation cushion and put it in a room where you will meditate every day. This will be the place for your practice. It should be warm, but not hot, and choose a room that is as quiet as possible that will hopefully limit distractions.
Expectations – Don’t look at your meditation practice as some kind of transaction. In some forms of Buddhism meditation is the practice. You should not expect that if I sit for 20 minutes something will happen. This is not like lifting weights or running where you expect some results in terms of your physical strength or endurance.
Difficulty – I don’t know how to say it in any other way but meditating can seem difficult at times. You will be challenged by thoughts you can’t seem to get out of your head. There will be times when you don’t reach that mindful state you are seeking; just do it anyway.
Focus – As you begin your meditation practice focus on your breath, the inhalation, and the exhalation. If this isn’t working count each breath this will help drown out other thoughts. Breathe in and as you breathe out think 1, then 2, etc. until you have counted to 10, and then do it again and again. Focusing on the breath and counting the breaths will assist you in calming the monkey mind.
Doing not Studying – While I have read a few books on meditation my advice is there is a marginal benefit in studying meditation in that way. Meditation is a practice and there is no substitute for sitting on your cushion. I don’t recommend using music to get into some kind of mood. This will just distract you from being with yourself. I would also add that consistency is more important than the duration of your meditation. If you sat for say 60 minutes, but only did this once or twice a week you would have been better off sitting for 10 minutes every day.
Alternatives to Breath Meditation – There will be times when you are having problems following your breathing and your monkey mind goes crazy as thoughts rush into your mind and overcome your focus. There are a couple of techniques you might consider in addition to counting breaths:
Come up with a mantra that you would repeat to yourself silently such as:
“There is no pain, there is no suffering, only peace, mindfulness, and compassion“, repeat that over and over to drown out other thoughts. This is just and example, come up with something that is meaningful to you.
Another mantra might be around being grateful, such as:
“I am grateful for the Buddha. I am grateful for the Dharma. I am grateful for the Sangha.”
As you stray from your focus on the breath, just be mindful that you are doing so. You might think why do I have these thoughts? This is the mind watching the mind. You are aware of your thoughts and looking at them for what they are, just thoughts. Try to bring yourself back to observing your breathing. The most important thing to realize is that this is all perfectly natural and you will experience this over and over during your meditation sessions. Don’t beat yourself up over this as it is just your mind straying from your original intent.
Conclusion
Let me be very clear if I haven’t been so far. Meditation is a core practice in Buddhism. You can read all the scriptures in the Pali Canon, but if you don’t meditate you are not a Buddhist. You will learn about Buddhism from reading and videos, but unless you are meditating you are not practicing Buddhism. Meditation will help you learn about yourself, assist you in ceasing to think about the past and the future and immerse yourself in the present moment.
Learning to meditate consistently is a challenge for any Buddhist, especially the householder. All of the discipline is on you and you alone. Learning to sit in one position for 10 minutes sounds easy, but some days it is anything but easy. You will experience days where you do not want to meditate, days where you are consumed with problems and your mind is racing and the last thing you want is to sit on the cushion and meditate. Another day your lower back may hurt and you are in pain in the sitting position. Other days you have a full schedule ahead of you and want to make sure you get it all done, so you skip your meditation. Much of this is just because your meditation practice is not yet fully integrated into your life, into your routine.
In a way, you can liken your meditation practice to any good habit you adopted. Some people say it takes 30 days before something becomes a habit, other people say 90 days. Don’t make excuses that give you a reason to skip your meditation session. I have a routine where I take a shower, do about 20 minutes of yoga, and then begin my meditation practice. It has all become kind of automatic. Do I ever miss a day? Occasionally when on vacation or if I am sick, but these are the rare exceptions. Here is a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh on meditation:
“Meditation is not meant to help us avoid problems or run away from difficulties. It is meant to allow positive healing to take place. To meditate is to learn how to stop—to stop being carried away by our regrets about the past, our anger or despair in the present, or our worries about the future.” Thich Nhat Hanh
In my next post I will cover the challenge for the householder to attain enlightenment. Let me know if you found this post useful by posting a comment and a like.
References
Sangha – A word used in many Indian languages, including Sanskrit which means “association”, “assembly”, “company” or “community”; in these languages, sangha is frequently used as a surname. In Buddhism, sangha refers to the monastic communities of bhikkhu (monks) and bhikkhuni (nuns). These communities are traditionally referred to as the bhikkhu-sangha or the bhikkhuni-sangha. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sangha#
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I’ve recently written about various ways to foster more happiness in your life including yoga, meditation, expressing gratitude, and caring for your physical health. All of these things are wonderful ways to be happier, but still we are not as happy as we could be. Most of us are trapped in thinking that happiness is something we defer until we retire, buy that new house, find a better job, create our own business, have a more fulfilling relationship with our significant other, or any other number of things we feel will make us happy in the future.
Deferring Happiness into the Future
Unfortunately this deferring of happiness based on some future event is robbing us of it in the present. I’m not advocating that you abandon your dreams or stop pursuing your goals, but thinking that these things will make you happier is a fallacy. Don’t let the things you want in the future delay the opportunity to be happy today. Each moment that you impose these walls around yourself that are blocking you from being happy in the now is time wasted. That expensive new car, home, or pile of money will only provide temporary happiness; find a way to enjoy today for that is all you are guaranteed. No one is assured of tomorrow, no matter what your age or health. How many years will you have wasted waiting for happiness? If I only had more money, a better job, a more attractive spouse, or a bigger house, I could be truly happy. This self deception is stealing away the days, leaving you less available to those around you. Pursue your goals, but make it your purpose to be happy during the journey, not the manifestation of these things you think you want in the future.
If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living fully in the present. ― Roy T. Bennett
Conclusion
Whatever you might achieve is achieved in the present moment. It is perfectly natural for human beings to want to improve their life, but thinking that some version of the future you or your future life will result in some increased level of happiness is at best speculation. However, experiencing the journey of becoming a better person in the present moment can bring happiness. Some people refer to this as being in the zone, but I would say that this is being fully present in everything you do. When you cook a meal, eat the food, take a walk, read, or talk to someone make sure you grant yourself permission to do just that thing and without thoughts of what I need to do in the future. I leave you with this Thich Nhat Hanh quote:
The heart of Buddhist practice is to generate our own presence in such a way that we can touch deeply the life that is here and available in every moment. We have to be here for ourselves; we have to be here for the people we love; we have to be here for life with all its wonders. The message of our Buddhist practice is simple and clear: “I am here for you”. Thich Nhat Hanh
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Excuse the Minions above, for some reason I associate them with happiness. They make me laugh.
Introduction
If you asked most people what their ultimate goal in life is, probably 90% would say to be happy. Why is being happy such an elusive state of mind for most of us? We struggle to make money, raise a family, buy houses and cars, and with all that or maybe because of all that, we still don’t find a whole lot of happiness in our lives. Let me be clear about this post. These are a list of some of my own personal practices and I never intended this to be a comprehensive list of things that might make you happy. It’s not even close to a comprehensive list for me, thus the title a “A few ways to be happier“.
I always get a little chuckle out of the following quote:
Practices
Over the past 10 years I have tried a lot of things to increase my level of happiness and I wanted to share a few of those things that actually worked for me. So here are few things you might try:
Yoga – If you’ve read posts on my blog, you know I’m a big fan of practicing yoga. It is not only physically challenging, but it also helps you become calmer and more mindful. One of the things I really like about yoga is you can easily transition from a yoga session to meditation. As with meditation Yoga has a focus on the breath and mindfulness, which is why it is intertwined with meditation. A related post that I wrote some time ago that you might find interesting “How Yoga & Meditation saved my life“.
Meditate – Meditation is great for clearing the mind, overcoming negative thoughts, and setting yourself up for a great day. You don’t need to be a Buddhist to meditate. In fact even if you have a somewhat secular view of the world meditation is available to you. Of course meditation is commonly found in most spiritual practices. One of my first posts on meditation “Meditation Experiences Uno” that you might check out if you are new to meditating. Another post having to do with expectations you might have for your meditation practice can be found at “Meditation – Expectations“.
Adopt a positive philosophyor spiritual practice – From a philosophical standpoint you might look into Buddhism or Stoicism. If that is not your thing then look at the spiritual practices such as Christianity, Judaism, Islam, or Hinduism. Whether it is adopting a positive philosophy or spiritual practice you will need to spend time in your studies and practice to obtain the benefits that are possible. You will approach each interaction from a positive perspective instead of reacting negatively to situations. Choose something that works for you. I personally study Buddhism and Stoicism, both have contributed positively to my piece of mind. A related post you might want to check out “The Stoic Buddhist“.
Quit caring about everything – I mean it, we all get wrapped up in stupid little things that won’t matter a week, a month, or a year from now. Be selective about who or what you care about, and adopt an attitude of I don’t give a shit about the rest. I’ve written a whole post on this subject “You Care too Much“.
Be present – Sounds easy, be present, live in the present moment. With all the things going on in your monkey mind being present is often very difficult. Thoughts of what I need to get done, my problems, anxiety, and out of control emotions are making it darn near impossible to just be present, but that’s where the happiness resides. Now this might just be for me, but I have always struggled with being fully present and it seemed I needed to master a lot of the other things mentioned in this posts before I could live fully in the present moment. Being fully present became the result of my Buddhist practice, yoga, meditation, not caring about everything, and not driving myself crazy doing things I hated. I’ve written about living in the present movement a number of times. This is a post I wrote a long time ago “You live in the future” that you might find amusing.
Gratitude – Develop a gratitude practice. You can do this with a journal of some type, some kind of affirmation, or as part of your meditation practice. A truly grateful person will appreciate what they have and all the good things that are to come. It has been said that he or she that is truly grateful for what they have leaves little room for unhappiness to creep in. If you have time check out “Grateful for the life you have“.
Stop doing things you hate – I can’t tell you how many people I know go through their day as a zombie, no smiling, no laughing, and it is all drudgery. You were not meant to live that way. Find a way to do something you can get excited about. Look for a way to transition to something better, and in the mean time do the things above and at least you will view the world in a positive way and get some enjoyment out of your current situation.
Conclusion
Obviously you don’t need or probably even want to do all of the things above, but even if you choose just one that you are not doing consistently today it could make a big difference in the level of happiness you experience. Interestingly, each of these practices mentioned above take a fair amount of commitment and discipline. You won’t start meditating tomorrow and magically reach enlightenment in a couple of days. Starting a grateful practice will not create instant happiness and a new philosophical or spiritual practice will probably not change your life in a week.
Just like going to the Gym for a few days doesn’t create a lot of new muscle or endurance, but over time adopting these practices can be life changing. While there are many other ways to increase your happiness, those I have listed above are available to most of us should we choose to pursue them.
This is a bit longer than my normal posts as the topic of this post is focused on the 2nd Noble Truth “the origin of dukkha” and also touches on the 3rd and 4th Noble truths. For the purposes of this blog post, you can think of craving and attachment as the same thing and will be used interchangeably. Most of my references are from books in the Pali Canon. The Pāli Canon is the standard collection of scriptures in the Theravada Buddhist tradition, as preserved in the Pāli language. When I mention Dhamma or Dharma I am using it as it refers to the Buddha’s teaching. I know this seems a bit obvious, but when I refer to your practice, I mean the study of Buddhism and the implementation of your studies via meditation and mindfulness.
When I think about attachment from the perspective of Buddhism. I think about craving, passion, obsession, worship, yearning, desire, lust, and appetite. The Buddha states in the Four Noble Truths:
“Bhikkhus, it is through not realizing, through not penetrating the Four Noble Truths that this long course of birth and death has been passed through and undergone by me as well as by you. What are these four? They are the noble truth of dukkha; the noble truth of the origin of dukkha; the noble truth of the cessation of dukkha; and the noble truth of the way to the cessation of dukkha. But now, bhikkhus, that these have been realized and penetrated, cut off is the craving for existence, destroyed is that which leads to renewed becoming, and there is no fresh becoming.” DN 16
So the second Noble Truth defined:
“And this, monks is the noble truth of the origination of dukkha: the craving that makes for further becoming — accompanied by passion & delight, relishing now here & now there — i.e., craving for sensual pleasure, craving for becoming, craving for non-becoming.” SN 56.11
Not one to second guess the Buddha Siddhartha Gautama this post will make the case that your pain and suffering, are indeed caused by your attachments. It is believed that the Buddha was born about 2500 years ago, but many of the fundamental attachments (cravings) found then are much the same today. We of course have added through technology some additional forms of attachment such as social media, porn, gaming, and a variety of drugs. Even a seemingly good habit can still be a form of attachment, especially when it becomes an obsession. In the remainder of this writing we will focus on the different forms of attachment, the price of attachment, how to destroy attachment, and what our life becomes after attachment.
As with almost everything I write there is always a personal motive, usually my own life experience that compels me to challenge the way I live and to scrutinize my own attachments. This is one of those moments where I question why I am attached to so many things and how I could eliminate or lessen these attachments.
We all live in a highly materialistic world, bombarded by advertisements that seek to create a craving for some new thing or experience. Unlike 20 years ago, your online presence creates streams of data for our friends at Google, Facebook, Instagram, Apple, and Amazon. If you’re reading this you are already aware of this and through your practice, you are seeking ways to combat this bombardment of what is simply advertising. My hope is that by the time you have finished reading this post, you will at a minimum have a better awareness of your own attachments, but beyond awareness, you will be formulating a plan to dismantle them. Ultimately the escape from the attachments leads you closer to your authentic Buddha nature.
Forms of Attachment
Attachments can take many different forms and all attachments come with a consequence. To hold on to these attachments is in direct conflict with what we seek to achieve with our practice. Attachments can be categorized in several ways:
Addictions
Often the most destructive type of attachment is being addicted to some substance or behavior. These are some of the common addictions that can be considered an attachment:
Drugs – such as cocaine, heroin, meth, and cannabis are just a few examples.
Alcohol – recent studies have shown that alcohol changes the brain and destroys cells in numerous parts of the body. While alcohol is still widely acceptable in our society it is a poison.
Nicotine in the form of cigarettes, vape, cigars, and pipes. One of the most difficult habits to break and use over the long term that comes from smoking or vaping destroys the lungs and heart.
Porn – While it probably won’t kill you it is an unhealthy distraction that wastes time and sets an unrealistic expectation of what sex should be for most people.
Sex – The attachment to sex has destroyed many a relationship, often manifesting itself in seeking out different partners to satisfy this craving.
Materialism / Things / Money
In the eternal quest for more, we become attached to things. We feel like we never have enough, regardless of how much we have accumulated. In fact, the people with the most wealth make their lives work to seek even more. We are never satisfied, never truly grateful for what we have, even though we innately know that all this stuff and money will not make us happy. Here are just a few examples of materialistic attachment:
Real estate – This is usually first your home, but once this is achieved you want a second or a third home. The extremely rich not only purchase multiple homes but also acquire vast amounts of land buying up farms to add to their portfolio of investments.
Automobiles – I’m not personally attached to automobiles, but I see that many people are. In the United States, you can get a decent new car for $20,000 – $30,000. It won’t be a BMW, but it will be reliable transportation. Instead, the average price for a new car is around $48,000. What this tells you is that a lot of people are buying cars in the $60,000 – $100,00 range. Not only doesn’t this expensive car get you from place to place any more efficiently it costs more to insure and often gets poor gas mileage.
Electronics – You have a 60” television, but why not get an 80” one? Your phone is two years old so you trade it in for the latest and greatest $1,000 phone.
Toys – Here I’m talking about acquiring boats, motorcycles, all-terrain vehicles, and any other unnecessary vehicle.
Money – You work the majority of your life, spending and accumulating money. There is an underlying fear that it is never enough, so you continue your wage slavery or run your own business so that you can acquire more money. You invest this money into stocks, bonds, mutual funds, precious metals, bitcoin, real estate, etc. so that your money can make more money increasing your wealth. Of course, you can’t take it with you so you die and leave it to your heirs or some charity of your choice.
People and Yourself
The attachment to others in its various forms is contrary to the goals of your practice. You are judging other people to find those worthy of your worship and adulation. In a way you are giving up your own ability to think and reason and giving the power to someone else. You are a follower, even when it is someone in your own family like a mother, father, spouse, or sibling. As a Buddhist even being too attached to the Buddha is perilous. The Buddha always wanted us to question what he taught to make sure we came to our own conclusions. Then there is this little thing called impermanence. That celebrity, politician, athlete, friend, or family member will someday cease to exist. As much as you may love someone being so attached to them that you can’t see yourself living without them only sets you up for what is inevitable.
Celebrities – You may admire someone who’s considered a celebrity, but attaching yourself to them and feeling that you know them is unhealthy. All you really see is a public persona, which might be quite different from who the person really is.
Politicians – How much harm has come to a particular country when the people begin looking at a politician as some deity and believe everything they say without question? Adolph Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Joseph Stalin, and Mao Zedong are great 20th-century examples of when people blindly follow someone on the road to complete destruction.
Athletes – I don’t think this is anything new. I can imagine the Romans were attached to certain Gladiators. In more recent times it might be soccer, American football, basketball, tennis, cricket, rugby, or some other sport athlete. For some people, these individuals are like gods to them. It’s not the athlete’s fault for they are only human, but when you make judgments of them beyond their athletic prowess you may be disappointed.
Spouses / Partners – One of the greatest forms of attachment may be to a spouse or partner. This all seems quite natural and good you might think. To a certain degree, it might seem that some level of attachment makes you a better partner, but what happens when it all blows up in your face? Even your relationship is impermanent; they may leave you, fall out of love with you, they may get sick, or might die. Now what are you going to do?
Family – You might be thinking that being attached to a celebrity, politician, or athlete could be an unhealthy obsession, but surely not a family member. Maybe, but being attached even to your family could become a source of pain. You have been told by society that sacrificing for your family is noble and good. In fact, it is normally something that is admired, but no one talks about the cost to you as an individual.
Self – I like to think about this as an attachment formed by this individualistic world, where we view ourselves as separate from the rest of humanity. I have a view of myself, maybe as a professional at work, or parent, child, or friend. It is true we are individuals, but we are part of a network of living beings that inhabit this world. We tend to have more in common with others than real differences. However, over the years we built a somewhat rigid definition of self and this weakens our view of us as members of the the human race. Not only do we view ourselves as unique among our homo sapiens species, but we tend to consider ourselves superior to other living beings.
Impermanence
The transient nature of life, impermanence, becomes our great realization regarding craving and desires. We realize that nothing including our money, physical form, possessions, addictions, and relationships will stand the test of time as they are all transient. We all inherently know this, but it doesn’t seem to stop us from pursuing our desires. Probably the most impermanent of things is ourselves and as a living being we have an unknown shelf life. You often hear things like well you are only alive once so go get everything you can and experience every pleasure known to humanity. Of course, for some people, impermanence provides a realization that life is precious and acquiring more stuff, working harder, and superficial pleasures are a waste of time.
While Dukkha (suffering) is caused by craving and attachment impermanence only increases our suffering as a root cause. From the Pali Canon before his enlightenment, the Buddha says:
“Before my enlightenment, O monks, while I was still a bodhisattva, it occurred to me: ‘What is the gratification in the world, what is the danger in the world, what is the escape from the world?’ Then it occurred to me: ‘Whatever pleasure and joy there is in the world, this is the gratification in the world; that the world is impermanent, bound up with suffering, and subject to change, this is the danger in the world; the removal and abandoning of desire and lust for the world, this is the escape from the world.” AN 3:101
Price of Attachment
I hope by now I have made at least a bit of a case for suffering being caused by an attachment or craving for something. Most of the things we crave end up having a dark side and can be outright destructive. In the past, I would lean pretty heavily on alcohol as a means of coping with my work and relationships. You can only guess how well that went. I wouldn’t have considered myself an alcoholic, but I did drink one or two nights a week, typically on a Friday night. I was a binge drinker and would drink until I was really drunk and passed out. About six months ago I decided to quit and while there were some initial cravings they went away over time. Just looking at this example the price of attachment was pretty significant in terms of my health and the psychological crutch it had become to help me deal with my problems. Of course, it didn’t help me deal with my problems it only made things worse. I was fortunate and hadn’t done any considerable damage to myself, but I had strained some very important relationships and had used alcohol as an escape that prevented me from dealing with my problems.
Our pursuit of these attachments whether they be an addiction, some kind of unrealistic expectation of others and ourselves, or the fact that we chose materialism over other more important things all came at a price. These attachments often eroded away our integrity, truthfulness, and spirituality. Unless one is very diligent and mindful most cravings have a tendency to increase over time driving the price you pay even higher. The ultimate price you pay for the attachment to craving is dukkha (suffering). The primary purpose of Buddhism is to free you from these cravings and ultimately eliminate suffering. We will next look at ways that can help you eliminate suffering by the cessation of suffering.
Eliminating Attachment
In the Discourse On Right View in the book of Majjhima Nikaya (MN), the venerable Sariputta addressed the monks on the meaning of Right View. In this case specifically on Craving:
“When friends, a noble disciple understands craving, the origin of craving, the cessation of craving, and the way leading to the cessation of craving, in that way, he is one of right view and has arrived at this true Dhamma.”
“And what is craving, what is the origin of craving, what is the cessation of craving, what is the way leading to the cessation of craving? There are these six classes of craving: craving for forms, craving for sounds, craving for odors, craving for flavors, craving for tactile objects, and craving for mental phenomena. With the arising of feeling there is the arising of craving. With the cessation of feeling there is the cessation of craving. The way leading to the cessation of craving is just this Noble Eightfold Path; that is right view, right aspiration, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration.”
“When a noble disciple has thus understood craving, the origin of craving, the cessation of craving, and the way leading to the cessation of craving he here and now makes an end of suffering. In that way, too a noble disciple is one of right view and has arrived at this true Dhamma.” MN 9:46-55
In Buddhism, as stated in the Four Nobel Truths the cessation of craving requires that the believer follows the Eightfold Path. I won’t go into each of the steps in the Eightfold Path as that would be a book all by itself, but if eliminating suffering by ceasing all these attachments you have acquired then that is the cure. As Sariputta puts that is the “true Dhamma”.
As a householder myself, I don’t limit my aspirations to just dealing with my cravings (attachments), but I like any follower of Buddhism seek to eliminate them whenever possible. The question for the layperson or even a monastic might be is it even possible to eliminate all attachments?
My view is that it is possible to eliminate all your attachments and if it is not complete elimination to at least lessen their influence on you.
I recently read this quote by Eckhart Tolle that speaks to attachments:
“How do you let go of attachments to things? Don’t even try. It’s impossible. Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them.”
This is a profound quote because as you begin to follow the path many of the things you crave will drop away and be replaced by the Dhamma. You no longer crave more material possessions and many of your attachments will as Eckhart Tolle said just drop away.
Not All Attachments Are Equal
There are those attachments that are simply destructive such as an addiction or a propensity to commit violence versus being overly attached to other people. The first may lead to death while the former may just be mentally unhealthy. I think it might also be useful to consider what a craving or unhealthy attachment is and what a healthy aspiration is. You could make a case for materialism the acquisition of more and more things as an unhealthy attachment, but is the attachment to your family or to your practice a form of craving you need to eliminate?
I think the answer to determining if something is a craving you need to eliminate lies in the aspiration behind it. If this craving creates suffering it is an unhealthy attachment on the other hand if your attachment is born from a healthy aspiration such as helping other people then it leans more towards being a worthwhile behavior versus a destructive craving.
To a large degree, the success you have in eliminating attachments will be commensurate with your devotion to your practice. For you or anyone else to free themselves from suffering caused by craving requires change. To be clear Buddhism is not the only vehicle invented to end suffering. Many of the popular religions of the world such as Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and Hinduism have a similar goal. The key difference is Buddhism offers a road map to end suffering in this lifetime. No deity or heaven awaits the end of suffering is available now. It would help if you believed that most of your attachments are causing the suffering you experience and you need to be willing to devote time to your practice, otherwise, the cyclical nature of craving resulting in suffering is inevitable.
Life After Attachment
There are some questions that naturally come up when one seeks to eliminate attachments. What is your life like after the destruction of attachment? Do you just fade away? Are you now just wandering through life with no goals or purpose?
I feel there are a lot of misconceptions about Buddhists. My posts are geared towards the householder or layperson, someone leading an active life, but practices Buddhism. I can’t speak to those Buddhists who live in a monastery and devote their lives solely to their practice, other than say they have devoted their life to their practice, which provides them more time to focus on it.
I can only answer the question about life after attachments have been eliminated from a personal perspective. To begin with, this whole idea of eliminating attachments is a process and I have not come to the point of eliminating all of my own cravings. I do have a realization as to what I am attached to and some understanding of the price I pay for these attachments. If nothing else I am mindful of my shortcomings and work to address them. I’m not sure that I will ever fully be free of attachments, especially to my family. This would also indicate that I have not attained Nibbana (pali) word for being enlightened. Looking at the lives of Buddhists such as the late Thich Nhat Hanh or the Dali Lama one doesn’t get the impression of some unfeeling person, instead, they appear to have been people full of life and joyous.
The question of will you still have goals? My answer is you most definitely have goals, but they may be less self-serving. Those goals that are for the betterment of the world will contribute to your peace of mind versus causing the suffering you have been experiencing chasing your cravings. As the attachments fade away your life will become fuller, you become more present, and even the way you perceive time changes. If you think that by eliminating attachments you become some non-feeling person who no longer can experience joy, love, and compassion you are mistaken. Instead, you may be eliminating anger, resentment, and greed.
Conclusion
Is there a middle way between the complete destruction of all attachments as might be a goal for a bhikkhu or nun vs. a layperson.? Even the realization and control over your attachments and desires is a positive step in the right direction. The answer to this question is directly related to the goal of your practice. If the goal of your practice is complete renunciation of all cravings and attachments then you are headed towards trying to realize Nibbana. I personally don’t believe all Buddhists must make this the goal of their practice, for the layperson or householder it may be sufficient to remove as many attachments as possible so that you are not in some state of continuous suffering (dhukka).
I think it is important that you realize that an aspiration to end suffering is not craving in itself. Think of this aspiration to end suffering as a desire. After all, you need this aspiration to be diligent in your practice. Even the fading away of a few attachments in your life will make a massive difference in the quality of your life. If it is any level of peace and mindfulness that you seek then your practice should be leading you to eliminate craving. Living in continuous suffering is the opposite of what the Buddha wanted for us.
Please comment or like. I would be very interested in your opinions on this topic.
I like this quote by Eckhart Tolle, especially the part “accept it as if you had chosen it” versus accept it because you are forced to. We often say we accept something the way it is, but do we really? It is usually more like I say I accept this, but it still pisses me off every time I think about it. This thing that I accept has tons of emotional baggage that I associate with it. I think it is stupid, I think they are ignorant, and on and on. So much for any real acceptance. In this post, I will outline the power of acceptance and what you can do to bring more acceptance into your life.
Options
To understand real acceptance you might want to look at it as a response to a situation where acceptance is one of three options:
Accept
Change
Avoid
You know you read a lot from the hustle culture crowd and the so-called productivity experts about never quitting. It’s as if you have no options and you are a complete idiot preferring masochistic tendencies to logical thought or maybe even freedom from whatever is tormenting you. Sometimes taking the exit door and “avoiding” the situation makes the most sense regardless of what the productivity geeks think. Then there is the option of embracing the situation but with the caveat that it must change for you to accept it.
When I think about acceptance I normally think about it in terms of accepting a life situation, but one can also think of it as acceptance of one’s self.
Example
There are times when a good example can add a lot of value when trying to delve deep into a concept. I recently went through a 6-month long experience that should help in this regard. This example of the need for acceptance came when I was a consultant for Amazon Web Services (AWS). I won’t mention who the customer was, but suffice to say it was a company in the Financial Services industry. The customer wanted to create a voice bot to handle calls about tax forms and account balances. The engagement was woefully underfunded and got off to a rocky start as the handoff from Sales to professional services was not as thorough as it should have been resulting in AWS professional services staffing the project with resources that did not have the right skill set. A couple weeks into the engagement I was brought in to replace the current Engagement Manager and the project was paused a few days later.
Without going into excruciating details what ensued was just one big shit show with an escalation by the customer every other week. This caused a fire drill with Amazon’s management and basically, I and others on the team were in a reactionary mode, that continued through the end of the project. The stress level was through the roof and it was difficult to maintain a positive attitude as the attack and react situation never ceased. I had considered retiring at the end of 2023, but when they came to me to bail out this engagement I decided to help out. I did my best to accept the situation, doing my best to make things better, but they did not get better. In this situation, acceptance helped me and other team members focus on delivery, while AWS management tried to pacify the customer. Leaning into acceptance was about the only option we had because the only other option for me was to quit my job at AWS. I would be lying if I told you I didn’t consider it, but then my loyalty to my team always prevented me from taking an exit to rid myself of this situation.
Choosing acceptance was really my only option. Fortunately, this was a project and was bound to end at some point, which made things a bit easier. I think if this would have been some more permanent situation, I might have decided to do something else. Accepting that this engagement would be a shit show to the very end helped me get through this situation. However acceptance did not alleviate the stress, but it did cement my resolve to do everything I could to deliver something valuable to the customer. That’s the thing about acceptance, sometimes it is all you have when the situation cannot be avoided. Being willing to say I’m going to go all in and accept the cards I’m dealt, making the best of a bad situation is necessary at times. Conversely, if every time you face some kind of difficulty and refuse to practice acceptance you will forever be running away from your problems or making them more difficult to endure.
Examples of what I had to accept during this engagement:
Critique – The customer criticized just about everything our team did and would not compromise or adopt any of the processes that we wanted to use during the engagement. We had to accept that this would be the case until the end of the engagement.
Escalation – As I mentioned the customer had a real knack for escalating to AWS upper management on Friday nights. This always created a fire drill as AWS management was in a hurry to craft some kind of response as quickly as possible. After a while, I just began to expect it and at least for me I became less reactive and emotional about it.
Help from Management – As this customer was thought to be a high-value account I was getting a lot more help from our leadership, which I wasn’t used to or really wanting. Rather than making a big deal about it and resisting their help I just smiled and accepted it.
Culture – I would say 2 or 3 months into this engagement I figured out that the customer would use leverage to get what they wanted through intimidation by threatening to cancel the engagement. They would not accept AWS as a partner but instead viewed us as a vendor to be berated. The customer culture was one of getting what they wanted via the stick versus the carrot. For a company that had been around for more than 100 years, I accepted that this aspect of their culture would be impossible to change.
The End – This was the end of my career at AWS. As this engagement unfolded I saw this as a sign from the universe or maybe a lesson learned. While I had accepted my fate during this engagement I learned that acceptance is not the only option. Even the strong finish on this engagement still left me feeling that there would be repercussions career-wise for the way this had all played out, and I didn’t want to stay around and find out if that was true or not. So not only had I accepted my fate during the engagement, but I accepted that this would be the end of my consulting career.
Road to Acceptance
There are certain things that are enablers of acceptance. I mention a few of these below that I think about when making a choice to accept a situation in my life. These include but are not limited to timing, expectations, self-acceptance, accepting others, and not accepting.
Timing
The timing of embracing acceptance is crucial. In my example above I struggled during the first couple of months to accept the situation. I complained to management about the customer, made numerous attempts to create relationships with them, and suffered from my lack of acceptance. It was kind of a pity party in my head. Why me? Why did I accept this assignment? I had numerous reasons that would not allow me to walk away from this situation but I failed to accept it early on. It would have been much easier to as Eckhart Tolle stated “accept it as if you had chosen it”. The lesson learned here is that if you decide to do something accepting the situation early on will save you untold amounts of pain and suffering. Making the decision to accept your situation the good, bad, and ugly can bring you closer to peace and mindfulness than non-acceptance.
Expectations
While the timing of when you embrace acceptance is an important aspect, equally is your expectations. You know those things we play out in our head, conversations, reactions, and outcomes. These are our expectations that set the stage for how we think about our situation or others. The thing with expectations is that sometimes we think a project will result in a certain outcome, but the reality is when things don’t go as planned we are disappointed because we had different expectations. You can apply expectations to how you think people will react or behave and then when what they do and say deviates from your expectations more disappointment sinks in. You can also have very negative expectations of certain people and when they come through you think well I expected that asshole to act that way. Understanding how expectations play into your situation goes a long way toward successfully accepting a situation. The truth is if you have a positive expectation and the results are negative you are upset and if you expect a negative outcome and you still get a negative outcome well you may not be surprised, but you won’t be happy. Maybe the answer is to tamp down your expectations, hope for the best, and accept whatever happens. Remember accepting your situation means managing your expectations and dealing with them.
Impermanence
When I think about impermanence as it applies to acceptance I see it as an enabler or detractor. The fact that everything is impermanent can make accepting a situation easier, knowing that as difficult as something is it will end. On the other hand, impermanence also applies to the time you spend on this earth, and accepting something intolerable such as an abusive relationship comes at the expense of the finite life you have. In either case acceptance and impermanence are linked together. Did impermanence play a role in Viktor Frankl surviving Nazi Concentration Camps or John McCain being a prisoner of war in North Vietnam for 5 and half years? Sometimes when you are in a battle you have accepted at work, service to your country, or watching a loved one slowly die over a period of months all you can hang on to is that it is impermanent.
Accepting yourself
The power of acceptance does not apply only to situations but starts with accepting yourself. You may have determined by now that you or any of us are not perfect. Accepting yourself with all your quirks and faults can help you in accepting situations you are going through. Many of us live our lives going forward from the past. Memories of failures to achieve something, and failure to cultivate key relationships with family and friends all inhibit what we do today. None of this bodes well for creating the life we desire, but we continue on from the past to the future. Accepting what we have been through is an important step in moving forward with the life we want. Face it we have all fucked up, not once but many times. Accept this fact and forgive yourself for the past mistakes and accept the fact that you will fuck up in the future. If you can come to terms with yourself, accepting who you are will grant yourself the space to accept situations as they are.
Accepting others
How can we accept situations without accepting others? I’m not saying you need to condone their actions or even forgive them. However, you need to accept that their behavior is not under your control, and letting what they do upset you over and over again will just make it almost impossible to accept the situation you are dealing with. The majority of the situations I mentioned in my little example above had at its core dealing with the behavior of people. When you can accept other people the way they are with all their irrational beliefs and faults you become capable of dealing with almost any situation.
Not accepting
I sometimes get really pissed off when I see motivational speakers say “Never Quit”. In my example above there was a pivotal point where I had to decide if I was going to accept my situation or remove myself from it. I chose acceptance, but there are many situations where not accepting your current situation makes sense. Here are a few examples:
I don’t accept staying at this shitty job
I don’t accept that one of my goals is unattainable
I don’t accept how someone close to me treats me badly
I don’t accept that I inherently have limitations that prevent me from living the life I desire
Sometimes not accepting your current situation is a choice that expands your world and opens you up to new possibilities.
Conclusion
You can’t go through life complaining and bitching about your current situation. At some point, you need to come to terms with your choices and accept what is as if you had chosen it. Choosing acceptance is not some weak act of submission, but instead a sign of wisdom and self-care. There is a saying nothing ventured, nothing gained. When you accept your current situation, and embrace the challenge, you become unstoppable. Life will always be challenging, painful, exciting, and filled with opportunity. When you embrace acceptance you choose to make things a bit easier. Let us face it we don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I can guarantee that it will have its challenges.
People who live without accepting their current situation will forever be doomed to a life of pain and suffering. There is a quote from Gary John Bishop that I like:
“I expect nothing and accept everything.”
Make acceptance part of your philosophy and watch how your life begins to flow with less resistance and more satisfaction.
Namaste
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How can you experience the possibility of living an extraordinary life if you continue to cling to the past, or maybe more accurately relive the past over and over?
Well, you can’t!
So there must be a reason you repeat the same pattern of existence day after day. Maybe it is a fear you won’t achieve your financial goals without clinging to the life you have now. Do you think that after all these years you couldn’t possibly do any better financially unless you keep your shitty job. How many more hours, days, months, and years will you spend waiting? Your past has become your present and your present has become your future.
Do you have enough faith in yourself to do what you want to do, not what you feel is safe or reasonable?
Deep inside you realize that what you want from this life is just a decision away. The realization that each day is precious and that the future is what you make of it should be enough of a reason to stop living in this self-imposed prison. You spent most of your life living and doing for others, and now it is time to do something for yourself. Take back control of your life. Get off the fucking hamster wheel and put the past in the rearview mirror.
Planning Over Action
You don’t need another fucking plan, for Christ’s sake that’s all you do is create plans. Your new and better life only becomes available by taking action in the present moment. Fuck the plan, act!
Planning is great but only to a certain degree. When it gets to the point that 90% of your time is spent planning your future instead of acting to make it happen, you are in trouble. So you have a great idea for starting a business and you have identified the skills you will need and made a plan to acquire those skills. That’s great, now it is time to learn those new skills and execute your plan. If you wait to make sure you have planned out every little task and you have researched yourself into a coma then that opportunity may just slip away. I am personally guilty of this one. I plan out goals and reset them over and over instead of doing the things to achieve them. Guilty as charged!
You become so mired in the planning and second-guessing yourself that you aren’t accomplishing anything. You need a goal and a plan to achieve that goal, but as you probably have experienced nothing seems to go exactly as planned. There is a quote out there and I’m not sure who to attribute it to, but it makes my point.
If The Plan Doesn’t Work, Change The Plan, Not The Goal
Your plans will change as you learn more about what you are seeking but don’t give up on your goal. Your goal is created in your imagination expressing a desire or a dream. The point here is to not get into an infinite loop of planning without taking action. Revisit your plan periodically, but make sure most of your effort is not spent planning. If you like ratios maybe Action to Planning should be 10:1.
Desiring Certainty
It’s not like you don’t have any interests outside of your job as is the case with some people. You know exactly what you want to do, which is what makes not doing it such a tragedy. No, you my friend won’t take this leap of faith because you need certainty. There is no certainty in this world. You could be fired tomorrow, fall prey to a disease, or be hit by the proverbial bus. If you truly believe there is no certainty other than as the Buddhists would say that life is suffering then you could drop this whole charade.
Here is a certainty for you. If you keep clinging to the past it is certain to repeat itself and your dreams of a better life will go unfulfilled. Truly exceptional people understand that there is no certainty and they accept it. Once you understand that nothing but suffering is certain then the whole world is available to you. Just to clarify even though life is suffering there is a path to the cessation of suffering, so even suffering isn’t 100% certain. My advice is even though we seek certainty, we will never really find it. Seeking certainty is a human trait that we have used for thousands of years to help us survive on this planet. Now your desire for certainty is just an impediment to making progress. Stop It!
Brainwashing / Social Conditioning
Is it the fear of the unknown or have you just become so brainwashed and conditioned that even though the guards have left the building and opened the gate you still remain in your prison cell? Oh, hell it’s probably a little of both. Habits can be a tough thing to break, especially those that don’t serve you anymore. Maybe you have been working in a profession for twenty years or more. You feel safe in the knowledge and skills you acquired over the years. It would be nearly impossible if your whole identity wasn’t associated with this role/profession. You have become a Doctor, Lawyer, Software Developer, Security Architect, Plumber, Teacher, Social Worker, Electrician, or whatever it is you do for a living.
In fact, this profession has become your past and it has an effect on all the other factors that are holding you back from pursuing your goals, passion, or dreams. It might be that you didn’t start out wanting to be an Accountant your whole life, but over the years that is exactly what happened. It’s not only you who see yourself in a particular role, but so do the people close to you. You will hear people say that human beings are creatures of habit. That may be where it starts, but ultimately you have been brainwashed or conditioned and this role becomes your identity. You might think you are a role that you play, but you are just assuming that role for some period of time. You are a multi-dimensional being and as such you are capable of learning new things and assuming different roles, so if you spent twenty-plus years as say an Accountant it doesn’t mean you need to spend the next 20 years in that role. That’s why I like Jim Rohn’s short but profound quote:
If you don’t like how things are, change it! You’re not a tree.
Jim Rohn
Lack Of Confidence
Maybe it’s not just the brainwashing or desire for certainty that is holding you back. Maybe it is a lack of confidence in yourself, a feeling that changing the direction in your life and doing something completely new scares you to death. Every time you thought about doing something else in the past you talked yourself out of it. You would say to yourself that you can’t learn the skills you would need for this new type of work or even take up a new hobby. Deep inside you know that’s just bullshit! I mean how much did you know about your current role ten or twenty years ago, or back when you were in High School?
Did you ever wonder why some of the stupidest people in the world become so successful? Well, one of the things they are not lacking is confidence. In fact, I would hazard to guess that they sometimes border on being egomaniacs. I’m not advocating that you become an egomaniac, but instead, realize you have infinite potential if you just begin believing in yourself. Look at your track record and all the things you have achieved and succeded at. You need to understand that you will develop the skills you need to achieve your goals. You may not possess them now, but put in the effort and you will succeed and this will help you overcome any lack of confidence you currently have.
Advice From Those Close To You
If you love what you do for a living then keep doing it, but if you’re working at a job that bores you to death or worse yet, you hate it, move on. One of the other things that could be holding you back from taking the leap besides desiring certainty, brainwashing, or a lack of confidence may be other people. Is a family member, a spouse, or a friend advising you to keep doing what you are doing? Many of us have been raised to take care of others as our priority. Does any of this sound familiar? You don’t want to disappoint people close to you and switching careers could directly affect them. It isn’t really your uncertainty that is stopping you, but instead, it is theirs. The thing is that when it is all said and done, this life you have is actually yours, but you don’t really view it that way. Hey, you and most of humanity are either totally self-absorbed or people-pleasers.
Remember as we reviewed your own uncertainty and conditioning well those close to you also see you as a role(s), and your desire to do something different with your life is unsettling to them. Don’t be surprised when you discuss your goals with them if they aren’t ready to get on board with this new plan. So should you continue to live your life for everyone else? Hell No!
If they cannot support the new life you want to lead then here is where you have to get a little selfish. You only get one shot at this rodeo we call life and you can either claim your life or live it for others, it’s ultimately your choice.
Conclusion
We have talked about planning over action, desire for certainty, brainwashing and conditioning, lack of confidence, and advice from those close to you, as factors contributing to clinging to the past. I personally have experienced all of these and it has caused a lot of grief and procrastination. While these factors are powerful forces that keep you reliving the past, they pale in comparison to the pain that will haunt you from not pursuing a better future. These factors are dream crushers and for you and me they become convenient excuses for not pursuing our dreams.
I hope that this post has shed some light on what might be holding you back from pursuing the goals that could lead to a better life. I would love to hear what you think.
I have written a number of posts on meditation including Meditation Experiences Uno, Meditation Experiences Dos, Meditation Experiences Tres, and Meditation Experiences Cuatro. All of these were my personal experiences of meditation and to some degree outlining the benefits that you might be able to experience yourself. Of course your experience during meditation and afterwards may vary. One of the things that happens when you start meditating on a regular basis is that you may begin to develop expectations. These expectations of a special experience or some sudden break through, maybe even enlightenment may cause you to view your practice as a tool or some means to and end.
In the tradition of Zen Buddhism having some grand expectation for each meditation session is frowned upon. You should just sit in Zazen, expecting nothing, with your focus on being present. In a world that is dominated by activity, doing things, getting shit done; this might be very difficult for us. We typically spend most of our time thinking about what we are going to do in the future, that we often cannot make ourselves present in the now. If everything you do in your life must be in support of some goal or to satisfy some desire, meditating will seem foreign and you will struggle to be present even for a few moments, though you sat for 20 minutes. You may even feel that why should I devote 10 or 20 minutes just sitting, when I could be doing something productive. What the hell have we become?
There is a quote from Gary John Bishop that anyone that meditates should take to heart. While the book Mr. Bishop wrote Unfu*k Yourself isn’t about meditation, it will make you think about how you are fucking up your life with thoughts of the past and future.
Let me wrap this up. If you really want to change the way you think about this world, you will need to drop all these expectations and stop living in the future or even worse in the past. A consistent meditation practice will help you live in the present and change some these preconceived notions you have established over your lifetime. In a sense there is a war to be waged. There is the real you, a person with inherent Buddha nature and there is you that has been constructed over a lifetime. Choose the present moment without expectations or continue living imprisoned in the future, it’s all your choice.
Namaste
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In my prior post Meditation Experiences – Uno I wrote about how I started meditating and to some degree why I decided to try meditation. In this post, I would like to make a case for meditation, the benefits if you will at least from my own perspective. Some of you may have tried meditating in the past and found it difficult if not almost impossible to just sit and count breaths. You may have been so busy thinking about what you need to do, that the whole process was just painful and seemed very unproductive. Here is the problem, it takes time to create a habit of meditating and the first 5 or 10 sessions may seem difficult at first, but like any good habit, you will need to make the investment before seeing any returns. You may feel like nothing is happening here and I am still letting my monkey mind dominate my meditation session and then something begins to change and you start to both enjoy and benefit from the experience. Mind you it might have taken a month or longer to get to this point, but it does happen.
Why did this seemingly simple thing, just sitting and breathing suddenly become enjoyable? Here are a few benefits I have received from meditating:
Being Present – I began to understand that my monkey mind and drive to be always doing something that supported my goals was preventing me from just enjoying the process of meditating. I was so anxious that I was spending all of my time recalling the past and then at the same time thinking about what I needed to do in the future. So instead of looking at meditation as just another thing to check off my to-do list, I began looking forward to it because it helped me be in the present. In fact, I often tell myself while meditating “You are present” or “You are here”, this often helped to drown out the thinking about the future, which often dominates my thoughts. What I’m really saying here is you are fucking yourself over by thinking you need to be productive all the time. This was part of my problem, I was looking at meditation as a kind of goal or thing I had to do, instead of just appreciating how it was helping me live in the present moment.
Discover Your True Self – As I continue to meditate I have begun to realize that there are things more important than my job or who I thought I was. Meditation helps you get in touch with who you really are. This doesn’t happen immediately, but over time you begin to realize there is the actual you, not some role you play. Maybe it is your true self, you know the compassionate, introspective, and loving person you actually are. For me, meditation is helping to peel back the layers of responsibility and anxiety that dominates much of our lives as we spend our time trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations.
Calms the Mind – Meditation is one of the few things I have found that breaks the monkey mind pattern of thinking and calms the mind. When I finish a session I feel renewed and free if even only for a while. You might get a similar feeling from walking on a nice day when you are not bothered by cars or loud noises. While I love a good long walk and find it very relaxing it feels different than meditating. The aftereffect of meditation is more like a reset or rebooting of the mind to a state of calm and clarity.
I know that there are many other benefits that could be attributed to meditation, but for me, these are the ones I have noticed a couple months into the practice.
So is it worth it?
My answer is a resounding Yes!
Final Parting Shot
The mistake I made in the last year or so is that I would start out very consistent and then my practice would fizzle out. I simply did not put a high enough priority on it, missing many days, stopping and starting. Those benefits of being present, discovering yourself, and calming your mind come from daily practice. I’m not saying I never miss a day, but it has become pretty rare now, and if something prevents me from doing it at my regular time, I fit it in later in the day.
I would love to hear about the benefits you attribute to your own meditation practice, leave me a comment.
I hope to write another post soon as this wonderful journey continues.
Do good and stay safe.
Namaste
Note: I wrote this post using Grammarly, which really helps. Give it a try, it works with WordPress and Google Docs.
I contend that most of the anxiety and unhappiness you experience comes from giving a shit about things that don’t warrant your attention. Every day you agonize over whether I will get that project done on time, or will I accomplish that ever-growing list of to-do items. Let me be clear, I’m not saying you don’t need to accomplish things in your life, but you’re playing this game as if it were life and death and it’s eating you up inside. You give all this shit that you feel must get done a high priority, in effect you care too much. Every project, every endeavor you undertake is not intended to be done as if it were some kind of death march. You not someone else is sucking the fucking joy out of everything by taking it all too seriously.
We perceive what we do as so important when in the grand scheme of things the shit we are doing is just stuff that we feel needs to be done and we are going to bust our ass to make sure it is accomplished regardless of how it affects our well being. I work as a consultant and on a daily basis, issues are being escalated. The end result is that 90% of the work that needs to be done is considered high priority and only 10% can wait. These escalations are not self-imposed but instead, the priority is being dictated by the customer or my leadership. Is it any wonder that we care too much?
Listen whether this sense of urgency is self-imposed or being imposed upon you, really doesn’t matter, either way, you are screwed if you continue to react in the same way you always do. So what can you do about this overwhelming avalanche of high priority shit on your plate? There are several things to consider:
Choose carefully from the list of things everyone thinks must be done right now and prioritize 3 to 5 things you can do today and defer the rest. This may not make you more popular, but it will improve the quality of your life by providing some much-needed focus and strangely enough your productivity will actually increase. Not being burdened by a list of 15 things and instead focusing on just a few things allows you to be more present and take back a little bit of control over your life.
While those around you will think the world will come to an end if this or that is not done you can rest assured that this stuff they deem so important just isn’t and not nearly as time-sensitive as everyone makes it out to be. Sometimes you have to push back and ask for more time to accomplish something or even ask why in the fuck are we doing this in the first place? Stop believing in this insane idea that working more is a badge of honor, or makes you more productive. Don’t buy into all the memes that say you won’t achieve anything unless your working 18 hours a day, it’s is just bullshit and unsustainable.
Finally and this is maybe the most empowering, which is why I wrote the quote above. You cannot and should not take all this shit so seriously, hell you shouldn’t even take your own life so seriously. You can’t spend your life making everything a high priority, in fact, this thing you call your life is really just a journey, yet we make it into some fucking project. Once our life has become a project it is just a series of milestones and tasks that get checked off, never stopping to enjoy the process. I love this quote by Kurt Vonnegut “We are here on earth to fart around. Don’t let anybody tell you any different”.
This thing you call your life is not a series of goals to achieve or some fucking death march. Start today by taking things less seriously, living in the moment, and stop making all things you are compelled to do of equal priority. Years from now you will thank yourself.
