Tag: mental health

The Power of Acceptance

Introduction

I like this quote by Eckhart Tolle, especially the part “accept it as if you had chosen it” versus accept it because you are forced to. We often say we accept something the way it is, but do we really? It is usually more like I say I accept this, but it still pisses me off every time I think about it. This thing that I accept has tons of emotional baggage that I associate with it. I think it is stupid, I think they are ignorant, and on and on. So much for any real acceptance. In this post, I will outline the power of acceptance and what you can do to bring more acceptance into your life.

Options

To understand real acceptance you might want to look at it as a response to a situation where acceptance is one of three options:

Accept
Change
Avoid

You know you read a lot from the hustle culture crowd and the so-called productivity experts about never quitting. It’s as if you have no options and you are a complete idiot preferring masochistic tendencies to logical thought or maybe even freedom from whatever is tormenting you. Sometimes taking the exit door and “avoiding” the situation makes the most sense regardless of what the productivity geeks think. Then there is the option of embracing the situation but with the caveat that it must change for you to accept it.

What is acceptance?

The act of accepting something or someone : the fact of being accepted : APPROVAL acceptance of responsibility. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/acceptance

When I think about acceptance I normally think about it in terms of accepting a life situation, but one can also think of it as acceptance of one’s self.

Example

There are times when a good example can add a lot of value when trying to delve deep into a concept. I recently went through a 6-month long experience that should help in this regard. This example of the need for acceptance came when I was a consultant for Amazon Web Services (AWS). I won’t mention who the customer was, but suffice to say it was a company in the Financial Services industry. The customer wanted to create a voice bot to handle calls about tax forms and account balances. The engagement was woefully underfunded and got off to a rocky start as the handoff from Sales to professional services was not as thorough as it should have been resulting in AWS professional services staffing the project with resources that did not have the right skill set. A couple weeks into the engagement I was brought in to replace the current Engagement Manager and the project was paused a few days later.

Without going into excruciating details what ensued was just one big shit show with an escalation by the customer every other week. This caused a fire drill with Amazon’s management and basically, I and others on the team were in a reactionary mode, that continued through the end of the project. The stress level was through the roof and it was difficult to maintain a positive attitude as the attack and react situation never ceased. I had considered retiring at the end of 2023, but when they came to me to bail out this engagement I decided to help out. I did my best to accept the situation, doing my best to make things better, but they did not get better. In this situation, acceptance helped me and other team members focus on delivery, while AWS management tried to pacify the customer. Leaning into acceptance was about the only option we had because the only other option for me was to quit my job at AWS. I would be lying if I told you I didn’t consider it, but then my loyalty to my team always prevented me from taking an exit to rid myself of this situation.

Choosing acceptance was really my only option. Fortunately, this was a project and was bound to end at some point, which made things a bit easier. I think if this would have been some more permanent situation, I might have decided to do something else. Accepting that this engagement would be a shit show to the very end helped me get through this situation. However acceptance did not alleviate the stress, but it did cement my resolve to do everything I could to deliver something valuable to the customer. That’s the thing about acceptance, sometimes it is all you have when the situation cannot be avoided. Being willing to say I’m going to go all in and accept the cards I’m dealt, making the best of a bad situation is necessary at times. Conversely, if every time you face some kind of difficulty and refuse to practice acceptance you will forever be running away from your problems or making them more difficult to endure.

Examples of what I had to accept during this engagement:

Critique – The customer criticized just about everything our team did and would not compromise or adopt any of the processes that we wanted to use during the engagement. We had to accept that this would be the case until the end of the engagement.
Escalation – As I mentioned the customer had a real knack for escalating to AWS upper management on Friday nights. This always created a fire drill as AWS management was in a hurry to craft some kind of response as quickly as possible. After a while, I just began to expect it and at least for me I became less reactive and emotional about it.
Help from Management – As this customer was thought to be a high-value account I was getting a lot more help from our leadership, which I wasn’t used to or really wanting. Rather than making a big deal about it and resisting their help I just smiled and accepted it.
Culture – I would say 2 or 3 months into this engagement I figured out that the customer would use leverage to get what they wanted through intimidation by threatening to cancel the engagement. They would not accept AWS as a partner but instead viewed us as a vendor to be berated. The customer culture was one of getting what they wanted via the stick versus the carrot. For a company that had been around for more than 100 years, I accepted that this aspect of their culture would be impossible to change.
The End – This was the end of my career at AWS. As this engagement unfolded I saw this as a sign from the universe or maybe a lesson learned. While I had accepted my fate during this engagement I learned that acceptance is not the only option. Even the strong finish on this engagement still left me feeling that there would be repercussions career-wise for the way this had all played out, and I didn’t want to stay around and find out if that was true or not. So not only had I accepted my fate during the engagement, but I accepted that this would be the end of my consulting career.

Road to Acceptance

There are certain things that are enablers of acceptance. I mention a few of these below that I think about when making a choice to accept a situation in my life. These include but are not limited to timing, expectations, self-acceptance, accepting others, and not accepting.

Timing

The timing of embracing acceptance is crucial. In my example above I struggled during the first couple of months to accept the situation. I complained to management about the customer, made numerous attempts to create relationships with them, and suffered from my lack of acceptance. It was kind of a pity party in my head. Why me? Why did I accept this assignment? I had numerous reasons that would not allow me to walk away from this situation but I failed to accept it early on. It would have been much easier to as Eckhart Tolle stated “accept it as if you had chosen it”. The lesson learned here is that if you decide to do something accepting the situation early on will save you untold amounts of pain and suffering. Making the decision to accept your situation the good, bad, and ugly can bring you closer to peace and mindfulness than non-acceptance.

Expectations

While the timing of when you embrace acceptance is an important aspect, equally is your expectations. You know those things we play out in our head, conversations, reactions, and outcomes. These are our expectations that set the stage for how we think about our situation or others. The thing with expectations is that sometimes we think a project will result in a certain outcome, but the reality is when things don’t go as planned we are disappointed because we had different expectations. You can apply expectations to how you think people will react or behave and then when what they do and say deviates from your expectations more disappointment sinks in. You can also have very negative expectations of certain people and when they come through you think well I expected that asshole to act that way. Understanding how expectations play into your situation goes a long way toward successfully accepting a situation. The truth is if you have a positive expectation and the results are negative you are upset and if you expect a negative outcome and you still get a negative outcome well you may not be surprised, but you won’t be happy. Maybe the answer is to tamp down your expectations, hope for the best, and accept whatever happens. Remember accepting your situation means managing your expectations and dealing with them.

Impermanence

When I think about impermanence as it applies to acceptance I see it as an enabler or detractor. The fact that everything is impermanent can make accepting a situation easier, knowing that as difficult as something is it will end. On the other hand, impermanence also applies to the time you spend on this earth, and accepting something intolerable such as an abusive relationship comes at the expense of the finite life you have. In either case acceptance and impermanence are linked together. Did impermanence play a role in Viktor Frankl surviving Nazi Concentration Camps or John McCain being a prisoner of war in North Vietnam for 5 and half years? Sometimes when you are in a battle you have accepted at work, service to your country, or watching a loved one slowly die over a period of months all you can hang on to is that it is impermanent.

Accepting yourself

The power of acceptance does not apply only to situations but starts with accepting yourself. You may have determined by now that you or any of us are not perfect. Accepting yourself with all your quirks and faults can help you in accepting situations you are going through. Many of us live our lives going forward from the past. Memories of failures to achieve something, and failure to cultivate key relationships with family and friends all inhibit what we do today. None of this bodes well for creating the life we desire, but we continue on from the past to the future. Accepting what we have been through is an important step in moving forward with the life we want. Face it we have all fucked up, not once but many times. Accept this fact and forgive yourself for the past mistakes and accept the fact that you will fuck up in the future. If you can come to terms with yourself, accepting who you are will grant yourself the space to accept situations as they are.

Accepting others

How can we accept situations without accepting others? I’m not saying you need to condone their actions or even forgive them. However, you need to accept that their behavior is not under your control, and letting what they do upset you over and over again will just make it almost impossible to accept the situation you are dealing with. The majority of the situations I mentioned in my little example above had at its core dealing with the behavior of people. When you can accept other people the way they are with all their irrational beliefs and faults you become capable of dealing with almost any situation.

Not accepting

I sometimes get really pissed off when I see motivational speakers say “Never Quit”. In my example above there was a pivotal point where I had to decide if I was going to accept my situation or remove myself from it. I chose acceptance, but there are many situations where not accepting your current situation makes sense. Here are a few examples:

I don’t accept staying at this shitty job
I don’t accept that one of my goals is unattainable
I don’t accept how someone close to me treats me badly
I don’t accept that I inherently have limitations that prevent me from living the life I desire

Sometimes not accepting your current situation is a choice that expands your world and opens you up to new possibilities.

Conclusion

You can’t go through life complaining and bitching about your current situation. At some point, you need to come to terms with your choices and accept what is as if you had chosen it. Choosing acceptance is not some weak act of submission, but instead a sign of wisdom and self-care. There is a saying nothing ventured, nothing gained. When you accept your current situation, and embrace the challenge, you become unstoppable. Life will always be challenging, painful, exciting, and filled with opportunity. When you embrace acceptance you choose to make things a bit easier. Let us face it we don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I can guarantee that it will have its challenges.

People who live without accepting their current situation will forever be doomed to a life of pain and suffering. There is a quote from Gary John Bishop that I like:

“I expect nothing and accept everything.”

Make acceptance part of your philosophy and watch how your life begins to flow with less resistance and more satisfaction.

Namaste

Please check out my companion blog inspirationalbookreviews.com

Escaping the Matrix

Previously, I wrote about what the Matrix is and our participation in it. So please read The Matrix before reading this post as it will provide some context that should make this post more understandable. In The Matrix I explained the contrast between the cold and ruthless corporation and the humans that work there. Given the reality of the matrix this conflict is irreconcilable. So you are challenged to make the decision to stay or escape the matrix. Servitude or freedom, that is the question.

Contemplating the Escape

On the surface it seems like an easy decision, where you choose freedom of course and make your escape. However you have been serving your master the corporation for many years, and you are accustomed to this thing called money. Like many other addictions you tell yourself that I’ll quit in a few months or maybe work another year and then I’ll be free. This is referred to as the one more year syndrome. Here is the thing, not only are you addicted to the money but you are also battling a unwillingness to change your life. You have become comfortable doing this thing you have done for so many years, and you fear the unknown. It is even possible that your fear of the unknown is greater than the gains you perceive of being free. It’s kind of like someone who has been a prisoner for decades, the front gate is unlocked, and you don’t even consider just walking out. Holy Shit!

Most people that are considering escaping the matrix have questions that they need to contemplate. I put together a short list that I’ve personally struggled with in the past. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but something to think about. I would caution you not get too hung up on answering these questions. Notice I have not asked the question, which is Why should I escape the matrix? You already know the answer to that one.

Questions to contemplate:

How will I make money and pay for all this shit?

That dream you have had in your mind for years, undoubtedly you have been thinking what if I could monetize what I really want to do.
Maybe you have been saving up for your escape and that is the answer to having income to fund your free life.
Maybe like most us you spend too much, have to much shit, and could cut down on your level of consumerism.
Sometimes it is a matter of faith in your ability to figure it out. Sounds week, huh? Do you really think that the thing you have been doing while employed in the matrix is the only way you can generate some income? Fuck No!

What will I do with all this found time on my hands?

Pursue your passion.
Enjoy it! Yes, you have escaped and to begin with you should get some kind of enjoyment just from this fact.
All those hobbies you haven’t have time for are now yours to pursue.
Looking for some meaning in your life? Join a non-profit, a charity, a church, or do your civic duty and get involved in a cause (climate change or renewable energy), or political party.

What will other people think?

If your talking about those still grinding away in the matrix, they will be envious of your escape.
Who cares! What your really wrestling with is what you will think about your freedom.
Listen you are embarking on a new life, one that is so different from what you are accustomed to that you will feel a bit alienated from those still plugging away in the matrix. You are freeing yourself from this consumer driven, wealth obsessed society, and embracing a life where you now own your time, which is the most precious thing of all.
If you lived your life worrying about what your co-workers, your spouse, friends, or family thought about you, then stop it!

Breaking Free

There is nothing wrong with taking a somewhat methodical approach to making the decision to escape the matrix or to keep on doing what you have been doing, living in the status quo.

Most of us start with the empirical method which is to use a spreadsheet to calculate the financial gain of working longer. Usually this is expressed as if I worked one, two, or three more years. Don’t get too enamored by this approach as it is inherently one sided, and only considers the financial gain of working longer, but fails to consider the non financial costs of working longer. In fact if you choose to make your decision based on the financial impact, well then you might as well keep your shitty job and work until you die. You might guess that I’ve done this myself and was amazed at the amount of money I would have if I continued working in the matrix for two or three more years. Fortunately I knew the cost of doing this and over time became less enthusiastic about my forecasted financial gains.

Given the limitations of the purely financial approach, you might consider a more holistic approach to making the decision to break free or stay in the matrix.

Now there are many factors to consider, but here are a few that come to mind:

Physical Health – What toll does your current job take on your physical health? Your 9 to 5 is likely taking a toll on your physical health or at the very least compromising your opportunity to improve your health by having the time to exercise more, eat better, etc.
Mental Health – All the stress you endure is messing with your mind and likely making your life a whole lot less enjoyable than would otherwise be possible. Not only is this stress making you miserable, but it is shortening your life.
Regret – Will you regret working longer especially if you are getting older? Of course you will. Very few people have ever regretted escaping the matrix, wishing they had worked longer.
Joy and Happiness – To what extent is your happiness important to you? Silly question, but this is a huge factor for most of us.
Pursuing your Dreams – That thing you always wanted to do, or do more of. Call it a dream or your passion. What price are you paying now by not pursuing your dreams?
Relationships – Anyone that spends the majority of their days in the matrix have compromised their relationships. Aside from the joy it could bring to you and others, by cultivating more meaningful relationships, not doing so may end up being one of your biggest regrets.
Controlling Time – How much does it matter to you that you have some control over how you spend the time allotted to you each day? Those that escape the matrix have infinitely more control over how they spend the limited time we all have. Just for an example, say you work 45 hours per week on average. If you sleep 8 hours a day you have 16 waking hours available to do stuff. Excluding weekends, this is 5 x 16 = 80 waking hours per work week. If you exist in the matrix you have 80 – 45 = 35 hours to do what you want or needs to be done. Any way you look at it during the work week you have less than 50% of the waking hours that are yours.
Financial – The reality is the vast majority of us needs money to pay for necessities and wants. In our society this can be of paramount importance for many people. Your servitude in the matrix, pays your bills, and may provide a little left over for savings, but your likely not to become super wealthy. Realize that making finances a priority isn’t necessarily advocating for staying in the matrix, as it is very possible that your lack of financial success may be attributed to you being stuck in the matrix in the first place.

Let’s say for fun I decided to rank these items using the following ranking scale:

1 – not important
2 – important
3 – very important

My guess that if you are considering escaping the matrix just about every one of these factors would be ranked at a 2 or 3. Is your decision getting any easier?

Maybe you love your job, have a good work life balance, and no other aspirations outside of your career. But be honest with yourself, you would be a very small minority of those that exist in the matrix. Most of us dream about a greater purpose for out life. We seek some degree of freedom to make choices on how we spend our time and with who we spend our time with.

By now you have probably made your choice, and like all restless prisoners you are contemplating an escape. Depending on your finances and the amount of planning you have already done you might just jump and sever your relationship with your employer. Just do it and escape approach, which is highly recommended if you ready.

The second approach is required if money is an issue, and you haven’t planned what you will do when you break free from the matrix. This approach means you need to plan your exit before jumping. If you decide you need a little more time before making your escape from the matrix, be wary setting that date too far into the future. It is better to take a leap of faith too early than to allow the matrix to destroy your decision to escape. This then becomes the I’ll work one more year syndrome that I mentioned earlier. This one more year can turn into multiple years of bondage.

I won’t try and kid you, there is an element of risk in making your escape, but there is a wonderful new life that awaits you when you walk out that door. Envision what that new life will be like as you finally have time to pursue your interests, give back to the community, restore your health, become more mindful, and have the time to create better relationships. Unlike a real prison, in the matrix the door is wide open. No one will shoot you as you walk out. In fact after a few months they won’t even remember who you were.

In my next post I will discuss how sometimes remaining in the matrix may make sense at least for a while. This can give you time to plan your escape and make the preparations needed.

Go ahead and comment if you have escaped the matrix or are contemplating it.