I’ve recently written about various ways to foster more happiness in your life including yoga, meditation, expressing gratitude, and caring for your physical health. All of these things are wonderful ways to be happier, but still we are not as happy as we could be. Most of us are trapped in thinking that happiness is something we defer until we retire, buy that new house, find a better job, create our own business, have a more fulfilling relationship with our significant other, or any other number of things we feel will make us happy in the future.
Deferring Happiness into the Future
Unfortunately this deferring of happiness based on some future event is robbing us of it in the present. I’m not advocating that you abandon your dreams or stop pursuing your goals, but thinking that these things will make you happier is a fallacy. Don’t let the things you want in the future delay the opportunity to be happy today. Each moment that you impose these walls around yourself that are blocking you from being happy in the now is time wasted. That expensive new car, home, or pile of money will only provide temporary happiness; find a way to enjoy today for that is all you are guaranteed. No one is assured of tomorrow, no matter what your age or health. How many years will you have wasted waiting for happiness? If I only had more money, a better job, a more attractive spouse, or a bigger house, I could be truly happy. This self deception is stealing away the days, leaving you less available to those around you. Pursue your goals, but make it your purpose to be happy during the journey, not the manifestation of these things you think you want in the future.
If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living fully in the present. ― Roy T. Bennett
Conclusion
Whatever you might achieve is achieved in the present moment. It is perfectly natural for human beings to want to improve their life, but thinking that some version of the future you or your future life will result in some increased level of happiness is at best speculation. However, experiencing the journey of becoming a better person in the present moment can bring happiness. Some people refer to this as being in the zone, but I would say that this is being fully present in everything you do. When you cook a meal, eat the food, take a walk, read, or talk to someone make sure you grant yourself permission to do just that thing and without thoughts of what I need to do in the future. I leave you with this Thich Nhat Hanh quote:
The heart of Buddhist practice is to generate our own presence in such a way that we can touch deeply the life that is here and available in every moment. We have to be here for ourselves; we have to be here for the people we love; we have to be here for life with all its wonders. The message of our Buddhist practice is simple and clear: “I am here for you”. Thich Nhat Hanh
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Excuse the Minions above, for some reason I associate them with happiness. They make me laugh.
Introduction
If you asked most people what their ultimate goal in life is, probably 90% would say to be happy. Why is being happy such an elusive state of mind for most of us? We struggle to make money, raise a family, buy houses and cars, and with all that or maybe because of all that, we still don’t find a whole lot of happiness in our lives. Let me be clear about this post. These are a list of some of my own personal practices and I never intended this to be a comprehensive list of things that might make you happy. It’s not even close to a comprehensive list for me, thus the title a “A few ways to be happier“.
I always get a little chuckle out of the following quote:
Practices
Over the past 10 years I have tried a lot of things to increase my level of happiness and I wanted to share a few of those things that actually worked for me. So here are few things you might try:
Yoga – If you’ve read posts on my blog, you know I’m a big fan of practicing yoga. It is not only physically challenging, but it also helps you become calmer and more mindful. One of the things I really like about yoga is you can easily transition from a yoga session to meditation. As with meditation Yoga has a focus on the breath and mindfulness, which is why it is intertwined with meditation. A related post that I wrote some time ago that you might find interesting “How Yoga & Meditation saved my life“.
Meditate – Meditation is great for clearing the mind, overcoming negative thoughts, and setting yourself up for a great day. You don’t need to be a Buddhist to meditate. In fact even if you have a somewhat secular view of the world meditation is available to you. Of course meditation is commonly found in most spiritual practices. One of my first posts on meditation “Meditation Experiences Uno” that you might check out if you are new to meditating. Another post having to do with expectations you might have for your meditation practice can be found at “Meditation – Expectations“.
Adopt a positive philosophyor spiritual practice – From a philosophical standpoint you might look into Buddhism or Stoicism. If that is not your thing then look at the spiritual practices such as Christianity, Judaism, Islam, or Hinduism. Whether it is adopting a positive philosophy or spiritual practice you will need to spend time in your studies and practice to obtain the benefits that are possible. You will approach each interaction from a positive perspective instead of reacting negatively to situations. Choose something that works for you. I personally study Buddhism and Stoicism, both have contributed positively to my piece of mind. A related post you might want to check out “The Stoic Buddhist“.
Quit caring about everything – I mean it, we all get wrapped up in stupid little things that won’t matter a week, a month, or a year from now. Be selective about who or what you care about, and adopt an attitude of I don’t give a shit about the rest. I’ve written a whole post on this subject “You Care too Much“.
Be present – Sounds easy, be present, live in the present moment. With all the things going on in your monkey mind being present is often very difficult. Thoughts of what I need to get done, my problems, anxiety, and out of control emotions are making it darn near impossible to just be present, but that’s where the happiness resides. Now this might just be for me, but I have always struggled with being fully present and it seemed I needed to master a lot of the other things mentioned in this posts before I could live fully in the present moment. Being fully present became the result of my Buddhist practice, yoga, meditation, not caring about everything, and not driving myself crazy doing things I hated. I’ve written about living in the present movement a number of times. This is a post I wrote a long time ago “You live in the future” that you might find amusing.
Gratitude – Develop a gratitude practice. You can do this with a journal of some type, some kind of affirmation, or as part of your meditation practice. A truly grateful person will appreciate what they have and all the good things that are to come. It has been said that he or she that is truly grateful for what they have leaves little room for unhappiness to creep in. If you have time check out “Grateful for the life you have“.
Stop doing things you hate – I can’t tell you how many people I know go through their day as a zombie, no smiling, no laughing, and it is all drudgery. You were not meant to live that way. Find a way to do something you can get excited about. Look for a way to transition to something better, and in the mean time do the things above and at least you will view the world in a positive way and get some enjoyment out of your current situation.
Conclusion
Obviously you don’t need or probably even want to do all of the things above, but even if you choose just one that you are not doing consistently today it could make a big difference in the level of happiness you experience. Interestingly, each of these practices mentioned above take a fair amount of commitment and discipline. You won’t start meditating tomorrow and magically reach enlightenment in a couple of days. Starting a grateful practice will not create instant happiness and a new philosophical or spiritual practice will probably not change your life in a week.
Just like going to the Gym for a few days doesn’t create a lot of new muscle or endurance, but over time adopting these practices can be life changing. While there are many other ways to increase your happiness, those I have listed above are available to most of us should we choose to pursue them.
I like this quote by Eckhart Tolle, especially the part “accept it as if you had chosen it” versus accept it because you are forced to. We often say we accept something the way it is, but do we really? It is usually more like I say I accept this, but it still pisses me off every time I think about it. This thing that I accept has tons of emotional baggage that I associate with it. I think it is stupid, I think they are ignorant, and on and on. So much for any real acceptance. In this post, I will outline the power of acceptance and what you can do to bring more acceptance into your life.
Options
To understand real acceptance you might want to look at it as a response to a situation where acceptance is one of three options:
Accept
Change
Avoid
You know you read a lot from the hustle culture crowd and the so-called productivity experts about never quitting. It’s as if you have no options and you are a complete idiot preferring masochistic tendencies to logical thought or maybe even freedom from whatever is tormenting you. Sometimes taking the exit door and “avoiding” the situation makes the most sense regardless of what the productivity geeks think. Then there is the option of embracing the situation but with the caveat that it must change for you to accept it.
When I think about acceptance I normally think about it in terms of accepting a life situation, but one can also think of it as acceptance of one’s self.
Example
There are times when a good example can add a lot of value when trying to delve deep into a concept. I recently went through a 6-month long experience that should help in this regard. This example of the need for acceptance came when I was a consultant for Amazon Web Services (AWS). I won’t mention who the customer was, but suffice to say it was a company in the Financial Services industry. The customer wanted to create a voice bot to handle calls about tax forms and account balances. The engagement was woefully underfunded and got off to a rocky start as the handoff from Sales to professional services was not as thorough as it should have been resulting in AWS professional services staffing the project with resources that did not have the right skill set. A couple weeks into the engagement I was brought in to replace the current Engagement Manager and the project was paused a few days later.
Without going into excruciating details what ensued was just one big shit show with an escalation by the customer every other week. This caused a fire drill with Amazon’s management and basically, I and others on the team were in a reactionary mode, that continued through the end of the project. The stress level was through the roof and it was difficult to maintain a positive attitude as the attack and react situation never ceased. I had considered retiring at the end of 2023, but when they came to me to bail out this engagement I decided to help out. I did my best to accept the situation, doing my best to make things better, but they did not get better. In this situation, acceptance helped me and other team members focus on delivery, while AWS management tried to pacify the customer. Leaning into acceptance was about the only option we had because the only other option for me was to quit my job at AWS. I would be lying if I told you I didn’t consider it, but then my loyalty to my team always prevented me from taking an exit to rid myself of this situation.
Choosing acceptance was really my only option. Fortunately, this was a project and was bound to end at some point, which made things a bit easier. I think if this would have been some more permanent situation, I might have decided to do something else. Accepting that this engagement would be a shit show to the very end helped me get through this situation. However acceptance did not alleviate the stress, but it did cement my resolve to do everything I could to deliver something valuable to the customer. That’s the thing about acceptance, sometimes it is all you have when the situation cannot be avoided. Being willing to say I’m going to go all in and accept the cards I’m dealt, making the best of a bad situation is necessary at times. Conversely, if every time you face some kind of difficulty and refuse to practice acceptance you will forever be running away from your problems or making them more difficult to endure.
Examples of what I had to accept during this engagement:
Critique – The customer criticized just about everything our team did and would not compromise or adopt any of the processes that we wanted to use during the engagement. We had to accept that this would be the case until the end of the engagement.
Escalation – As I mentioned the customer had a real knack for escalating to AWS upper management on Friday nights. This always created a fire drill as AWS management was in a hurry to craft some kind of response as quickly as possible. After a while, I just began to expect it and at least for me I became less reactive and emotional about it.
Help from Management – As this customer was thought to be a high-value account I was getting a lot more help from our leadership, which I wasn’t used to or really wanting. Rather than making a big deal about it and resisting their help I just smiled and accepted it.
Culture – I would say 2 or 3 months into this engagement I figured out that the customer would use leverage to get what they wanted through intimidation by threatening to cancel the engagement. They would not accept AWS as a partner but instead viewed us as a vendor to be berated. The customer culture was one of getting what they wanted via the stick versus the carrot. For a company that had been around for more than 100 years, I accepted that this aspect of their culture would be impossible to change.
The End – This was the end of my career at AWS. As this engagement unfolded I saw this as a sign from the universe or maybe a lesson learned. While I had accepted my fate during this engagement I learned that acceptance is not the only option. Even the strong finish on this engagement still left me feeling that there would be repercussions career-wise for the way this had all played out, and I didn’t want to stay around and find out if that was true or not. So not only had I accepted my fate during the engagement, but I accepted that this would be the end of my consulting career.
Road to Acceptance
There are certain things that are enablers of acceptance. I mention a few of these below that I think about when making a choice to accept a situation in my life. These include but are not limited to timing, expectations, self-acceptance, accepting others, and not accepting.
Timing
The timing of embracing acceptance is crucial. In my example above I struggled during the first couple of months to accept the situation. I complained to management about the customer, made numerous attempts to create relationships with them, and suffered from my lack of acceptance. It was kind of a pity party in my head. Why me? Why did I accept this assignment? I had numerous reasons that would not allow me to walk away from this situation but I failed to accept it early on. It would have been much easier to as Eckhart Tolle stated “accept it as if you had chosen it”. The lesson learned here is that if you decide to do something accepting the situation early on will save you untold amounts of pain and suffering. Making the decision to accept your situation the good, bad, and ugly can bring you closer to peace and mindfulness than non-acceptance.
Expectations
While the timing of when you embrace acceptance is an important aspect, equally is your expectations. You know those things we play out in our head, conversations, reactions, and outcomes. These are our expectations that set the stage for how we think about our situation or others. The thing with expectations is that sometimes we think a project will result in a certain outcome, but the reality is when things don’t go as planned we are disappointed because we had different expectations. You can apply expectations to how you think people will react or behave and then when what they do and say deviates from your expectations more disappointment sinks in. You can also have very negative expectations of certain people and when they come through you think well I expected that asshole to act that way. Understanding how expectations play into your situation goes a long way toward successfully accepting a situation. The truth is if you have a positive expectation and the results are negative you are upset and if you expect a negative outcome and you still get a negative outcome well you may not be surprised, but you won’t be happy. Maybe the answer is to tamp down your expectations, hope for the best, and accept whatever happens. Remember accepting your situation means managing your expectations and dealing with them.
Impermanence
When I think about impermanence as it applies to acceptance I see it as an enabler or detractor. The fact that everything is impermanent can make accepting a situation easier, knowing that as difficult as something is it will end. On the other hand, impermanence also applies to the time you spend on this earth, and accepting something intolerable such as an abusive relationship comes at the expense of the finite life you have. In either case acceptance and impermanence are linked together. Did impermanence play a role in Viktor Frankl surviving Nazi Concentration Camps or John McCain being a prisoner of war in North Vietnam for 5 and half years? Sometimes when you are in a battle you have accepted at work, service to your country, or watching a loved one slowly die over a period of months all you can hang on to is that it is impermanent.
Accepting yourself
The power of acceptance does not apply only to situations but starts with accepting yourself. You may have determined by now that you or any of us are not perfect. Accepting yourself with all your quirks and faults can help you in accepting situations you are going through. Many of us live our lives going forward from the past. Memories of failures to achieve something, and failure to cultivate key relationships with family and friends all inhibit what we do today. None of this bodes well for creating the life we desire, but we continue on from the past to the future. Accepting what we have been through is an important step in moving forward with the life we want. Face it we have all fucked up, not once but many times. Accept this fact and forgive yourself for the past mistakes and accept the fact that you will fuck up in the future. If you can come to terms with yourself, accepting who you are will grant yourself the space to accept situations as they are.
Accepting others
How can we accept situations without accepting others? I’m not saying you need to condone their actions or even forgive them. However, you need to accept that their behavior is not under your control, and letting what they do upset you over and over again will just make it almost impossible to accept the situation you are dealing with. The majority of the situations I mentioned in my little example above had at its core dealing with the behavior of people. When you can accept other people the way they are with all their irrational beliefs and faults you become capable of dealing with almost any situation.
Not accepting
I sometimes get really pissed off when I see motivational speakers say “Never Quit”. In my example above there was a pivotal point where I had to decide if I was going to accept my situation or remove myself from it. I chose acceptance, but there are many situations where not accepting your current situation makes sense. Here are a few examples:
I don’t accept staying at this shitty job
I don’t accept that one of my goals is unattainable
I don’t accept how someone close to me treats me badly
I don’t accept that I inherently have limitations that prevent me from living the life I desire
Sometimes not accepting your current situation is a choice that expands your world and opens you up to new possibilities.
Conclusion
You can’t go through life complaining and bitching about your current situation. At some point, you need to come to terms with your choices and accept what is as if you had chosen it. Choosing acceptance is not some weak act of submission, but instead a sign of wisdom and self-care. There is a saying nothing ventured, nothing gained. When you accept your current situation, and embrace the challenge, you become unstoppable. Life will always be challenging, painful, exciting, and filled with opportunity. When you embrace acceptance you choose to make things a bit easier. Let us face it we don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I can guarantee that it will have its challenges.
People who live without accepting their current situation will forever be doomed to a life of pain and suffering. There is a quote from Gary John Bishop that I like:
“I expect nothing and accept everything.”
Make acceptance part of your philosophy and watch how your life begins to flow with less resistance and more satisfaction.
Namaste
“Copyright 2024 TheStoicBuddhist.com. All Rights Reserved”
In my prior post Meditation Experiences – Uno I wrote about how I started meditating and to some degree why I decided to try meditation. In this post, I would like to make a case for meditation, the benefits if you will at least from my own perspective. Some of you may have tried meditating in the past and found it difficult if not almost impossible to just sit and count breaths. You may have been so busy thinking about what you need to do, that the whole process was just painful and seemed very unproductive. Here is the problem, it takes time to create a habit of meditating and the first 5 or 10 sessions may seem difficult at first, but like any good habit, you will need to make the investment before seeing any returns. You may feel like nothing is happening here and I am still letting my monkey mind dominate my meditation session and then something begins to change and you start to both enjoy and benefit from the experience. Mind you it might have taken a month or longer to get to this point, but it does happen.
Why did this seemingly simple thing, just sitting and breathing suddenly become enjoyable? Here are a few benefits I have received from meditating:
Being Present – I began to understand that my monkey mind and drive to be always doing something that supported my goals was preventing me from just enjoying the process of meditating. I was so anxious that I was spending all of my time recalling the past and then at the same time thinking about what I needed to do in the future. So instead of looking at meditation as just another thing to check off my to-do list, I began looking forward to it because it helped me be in the present. In fact, I often tell myself while meditating “You are present” or “You are here”, this often helped to drown out the thinking about the future, which often dominates my thoughts. What I’m really saying here is you are fucking yourself over by thinking you need to be productive all the time. This was part of my problem, I was looking at meditation as a kind of goal or thing I had to do, instead of just appreciating how it was helping me live in the present moment.
Discover Your True Self – As I continue to meditate I have begun to realize that there are things more important than my job or who I thought I was. Meditation helps you get in touch with who you really are. This doesn’t happen immediately, but over time you begin to realize there is the actual you, not some role you play. Maybe it is your true self, you know the compassionate, introspective, and loving person you actually are. For me, meditation is helping to peel back the layers of responsibility and anxiety that dominates much of our lives as we spend our time trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations.
Calms the Mind – Meditation is one of the few things I have found that breaks the monkey mind pattern of thinking and calms the mind. When I finish a session I feel renewed and free if even only for a while. You might get a similar feeling from walking on a nice day when you are not bothered by cars or loud noises. While I love a good long walk and find it very relaxing it feels different than meditating. The aftereffect of meditation is more like a reset or rebooting of the mind to a state of calm and clarity.
I know that there are many other benefits that could be attributed to meditation, but for me, these are the ones I have noticed a couple months into the practice.
So is it worth it?
My answer is a resounding Yes!
Final Parting Shot
The mistake I made in the last year or so is that I would start out very consistent and then my practice would fizzle out. I simply did not put a high enough priority on it, missing many days, stopping and starting. Those benefits of being present, discovering yourself, and calming your mind come from daily practice. I’m not saying I never miss a day, but it has become pretty rare now, and if something prevents me from doing it at my regular time, I fit it in later in the day.
I would love to hear about the benefits you attribute to your own meditation practice, leave me a comment.
I hope to write another post soon as this wonderful journey continues.
Do good and stay safe.
Namaste
Note: I wrote this post using Grammarly, which really helps. Give it a try, it works with WordPress and Google Docs.
After working much of the weekend, which is a bit abnormal for me it occurred to me that I was not resentful over spending so much of my time on the job that currently pays the bills. I won’t bore you with the details, but some of the work was not even remotely interesting, but it got done anyway. I was thinking about it this morning and such a simple concept came into my mind. Is it possible that you either view all the things you need do as an obligation (negative), or as an opportunity (positive) to grow and improve?
Most of us view the things we need to do as obligations, which means there is a somewhat negative connotation in play here. Obligations weigh on our mind, cause stress, and a feeling of dread. Looking at the things you need to do in this world as obligations provide no joy, no focus, and little sense of accomplishment. You just feel like a hamster on a wheel, living a life where you dread each day as the process repeats itself again and again.
What if instead, I looked at those things I need to do as an opportunity to grow. What would my day look like then, maybe the consequences of this viewpoint would provide:
Growth in terms of knowledge acquired, working towards mastery.
If I view what I am doing as an opportunity I am more likely to stay focused in the present moment and to experience flow.
I am sure to be more productive since I am getting things done because I want to do them, instead of feeling obligated.
I will have jumped off the fucking hamster wheel, left the stupid matrix, and I will begin to find meaning and satisfaction in what I do.
Oh, I forgot to mention you might even feel a strange feeling that was buried long ago, something called happiness!
Maybe I had a flash of Satori or it could have just been the three cups of coffee. Satori is a Japanese Zen Buddhist word used to describe a temporary experience of awakening or oneness that seems to come spontaneously from within.
Seriously, if you start viewing your work as a series of opportunities for growth, you begin to live in the present and that is where the magic begins to happen.
Namaste
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Maybe you have heard about the Power of Now, a book written by Eckhart Tolle. It is a good book to read if you are trying to figure out what is really most important in your life. If you would like to know more about this book The Power of Now check out my book review: https://inspirationalbookreviews.com/2018/11/22/the-power-of-now
We live in a world of illusions created by the stories we are told, starting as little children and then throughout our life. It is up to you to determine what is real and what is just a story you are being told to advance society’s agenda. There is no simple answer to seeking the truth other than your rational mind and focusing on the present moment. We use our rational mind to question a story and then analyze what is true and what is false. We use the present moment to clear away the unconscious bias and allow us to focus so as to not let thoughts of the past or future distort our thinking.
You cannot keep repeating the same stupid behavior that has got you where you are today and expect your life to change for the better. We all fall into patterns where we repeat the same mistakes over and over, which ends up leading us no closer today to our goals than we were yesterday. The second illusion that we tell ourselves is that we have time to pursue our goals or dreams in the future. Honestly, we know better, but we put off taking action so as not to upset other people or sometimes just out of laziness.
When I say wake up! I mean do it now, while you still can. None of us are guaranteed that there will be a tomorrow, and wishing doesn’t make it so. You need to make a choice today. Am I going to take steps towards following my dreams, or am I going to keep doing the stupid shit I always do?
Your choice my friend!
Namaste
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This really resonated with me, as I am often the victim of my own thinking, making mountains out of mole hills if you will. I assumed what needed to be done would be difficult, or a situation came up that I perceived to be negative caused suffering. My monkey mind went into overdrive and I took the normal shit that happens and turned it into a nightmare. What the hell!
Sure the Buddha was right; life has more than it share of dukkha (pain and suffering), but how much of it is self imposed? As I have been studying stoicism recently I begin to notice certain parallels with Buddhism. Could the assumptions we make about things, that Marcus Aurelius is talking about be yet another cause of dukkha, much like craving, desire, and attachment?
At the moment you start to say this is difficult, or I hate this situation, you are making assumptions and most of these are what will happen in the future. In fact in retrospect you find that most of your assumptions were bullshit.
Maybe the answer is in dealing with things as they occur in the present, without assumptions, expectations, and above all withholding judgment.
A bit of stoicism, Buddhism, and lots of yoga and meditation might help too.
