One of the fundamental principles for a Buddhist is acquiring mindfulness from meditation. In this blog post, I will outline some challenges the householder faces in adopting a meditation practice.
Meditation Challenges
In some ways, the challenge of learning to meditate is both a time issue and an issue of not having a teacher. Where will I find the time to meditate? How do you learn to meditate without a teacher?
When I refer to meditating I am talking about sitting meditation. Let me address the time issue first. I advocate that one should meditate for 10 – 20 minutes a day. Of course, you can meditate for much longer, but if you are new to meditation 10 to 20 minutes will be adequate. If you make time to meditate for say 10 minutes a day as you begin your practice, then time shouldn’t be much of an issue. I use the 10 – 20 minute range because I’ve found it takes several minutes to get into a mindful state, and any less than 10 minutes of sitting meditation is probably insufficient to be beneficial. Being a householder you will be responsible for structuring time for your meditation practice, unlike at a temple where you meditate say twice a day at specific times.
It’s not so much do I have a teacher to learn meditation, because a householder could find a meditation teacher preferably a Buddhist if they wanted to. The broader question is how do I learn to meditate? Getting some help from a meditation teacher would be helpful, but meditation is such a personal experience, ultimately it’s about you and your meditation cushion. Few things are as solitary as your daily meditation practice and it is meant to be that way.
Learning to Meditate
I’m not going to go into great detail, but instead provide a few tips about creating the meditation practice that supports your overall Buddhist practice. I’ve written several blog posts about meditation that I will share with you here:
Meditation Experiences (Uno) – This blog post covers some of the basics like place, cushions, sitting position, duration, etc.
Meditation Experiences (Dos) – In this blog post I wrote about some of the benefits that meditation can bring to your practice.
Meditation Experiences (Tres) – Within this blog post I wrote about the expectations you should have for your meditation practice.
Mediation Experiences (Cuatro) – I describe how meditation is a key component of your practice providing you a lifeline to address the suffering of everyday life.
Most of these were written some time ago and as their title implies they cover my meditation journey. My meditation practice has continued on a regular basis to this day and as my practice has progressed I would like to share a few tips to get you started including:
Place – Buy a meditation cushion and put it in a room where you will meditate every day. This will be the place for your practice. It should be warm, but not hot, and choose a room that is as quiet as possible that will hopefully limit distractions.
Expectations – Don’t look at your meditation practice as some kind of transaction. In some forms of Buddhism meditation is the practice. You should not expect that if I sit for 20 minutes something will happen. This is not like lifting weights or running where you expect some results in terms of your physical strength or endurance.
Difficulty – I don’t know how to say it in any other way but meditating can seem difficult at times. You will be challenged by thoughts you can’t seem to get out of your head. There will be times when you don’t reach that mindful state you are seeking; just do it anyway.
Focus – As you begin your meditation practice focus on your breath, the inhalation, and the exhalation. If this isn’t working count each breath this will help drown out other thoughts. Breathe in and as you breathe out think 1, then 2, etc. until you have counted to 10, and then do it again and again. Focusing on the breath and counting the breaths will assist you in calming the monkey mind.
Doing not Studying – While I have read a few books on meditation my advice is there is a marginal benefit in studying meditation in that way. Meditation is a practice and there is no substitute for sitting on your cushion. I don’t recommend using music to get into some kind of mood. This will just distract you from being with yourself. I would also add that consistency is more important than the duration of your meditation. If you sat for say 60 minutes, but only did this once or twice a week you would have been better off sitting for 10 minutes every day.
Alternatives to Breath Meditation – There will be times when you are having problems following your breathing and your monkey mind goes crazy as thoughts rush into your mind and overcome your focus. There are a couple of techniques you might consider in addition to counting breaths:
Come up with a mantra that you would repeat to yourself silently such as:
“There is no pain, there is no suffering, only peace, mindfulness, and compassion“, repeat that over and over to drown out other thoughts. This is just and example, come up with something that is meaningful to you.
Another mantra might be around being grateful, such as:
“I am grateful for the Buddha. I am grateful for the Dharma. I am grateful for the Sangha.”
As you stray from your focus on the breath, just be mindful that you are doing so. You might think why do I have these thoughts? This is the mind watching the mind. You are aware of your thoughts and looking at them for what they are, just thoughts. Try to bring yourself back to observing your breathing. The most important thing to realize is that this is all perfectly natural and you will experience this over and over during your meditation sessions. Don’t beat yourself up over this as it is just your mind straying from your original intent.
Conclusion
Let me be very clear if I haven’t been so far. Meditation is a core practice in Buddhism. You can read all the scriptures in the Pali Canon, but if you don’t meditate you are not a Buddhist. You will learn about Buddhism from reading and videos, but unless you are meditating you are not practicing Buddhism. Meditation will help you learn about yourself, assist you in ceasing to think about the past and the future and immerse yourself in the present moment.
Learning to meditate consistently is a challenge for any Buddhist, especially the householder. All of the discipline is on you and you alone. Learning to sit in one position for 10 minutes sounds easy, but some days it is anything but easy. You will experience days where you do not want to meditate, days where you are consumed with problems and your mind is racing and the last thing you want is to sit on the cushion and meditate. Another day your lower back may hurt and you are in pain in the sitting position. Other days you have a full schedule ahead of you and want to make sure you get it all done, so you skip your meditation. Much of this is just because your meditation practice is not yet fully integrated into your life, into your routine.
In a way, you can liken your meditation practice to any good habit you adopted. Some people say it takes 30 days before something becomes a habit, other people say 90 days. Don’t make excuses that give you a reason to skip your meditation session. I have a routine where I take a shower, do about 20 minutes of yoga, and then begin my meditation practice. It has all become kind of automatic. Do I ever miss a day? Occasionally when on vacation or if I am sick, but these are the rare exceptions. Here is a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh on meditation:
“Meditation is not meant to help us avoid problems or run away from difficulties. It is meant to allow positive healing to take place. To meditate is to learn how to stop—to stop being carried away by our regrets about the past, our anger or despair in the present, or our worries about the future.” Thich Nhat Hanh
In my next post I will cover the challenge for the householder to attain enlightenment. Let me know if you found this post useful by posting a comment and a like.
References
Sangha – A word used in many Indian languages, including Sanskrit which means “association”, “assembly”, “company” or “community”; in these languages, sangha is frequently used as a surname. In Buddhism, sangha refers to the monastic communities of bhikkhu (monks) and bhikkhuni (nuns). These communities are traditionally referred to as the bhikkhu-sangha or the bhikkhuni-sangha. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sangha#
“Copyright 2025 TheStoicBuddhist.com. All Rights Reserved”
It is wise to be like Sariputta and use your powers of discernment to determine if you believe something you have read or been taught. The sign of a healthy practice is to question what is being taught and come to your own conclusions.
Introduction
This is part of a series I am writing on Challenges for the Buddhist householder. The series started with Exploring the Householder Path in Buddhism and in a previous post I explored the challenge of Time to Practice. In this post, I will elaborate on the challenge for the householder in learning the dharma.
The word dharma has multiple meanings. A simple definition is as follows:
“In Buddhist literature, dharma often refers to Buddhist teaching and practice in general. In this sense, dharma is used by Buddhists to encompass everything that was taught by the Buddha (or more precisely what a given tradition believes was spoken by him).” Source: Dharma by John Powers
In the context that I am using, I refer to the dharma as sources of information for the householder to learn and study Buddhism. This would include sources that are said to be from the Buddha and those of other Buddhist scholars.
Consider this blog post as a starting point to begin learning about Buddhism. The truth be told I could write a whole book on the challenge of learning the dharma for the householder.
Learning the Dharma
Challenge for the Householder
The householder will probably not have a teacher, whereas the monastic most certainly will. This requires the householder to often learn about the dharma on their own. Unlike some 2500 years ago when the Buddha taught the dharma, we now have multiple ways to accomplish this. In the Buddha’s time, the dharma was passed along as lectures as this was prior to any of the dharma being written down.
Now we have many books on Buddhism available to us, both in written and audio formats, podcasts, websites, videos, and local temples. In this way, we have a huge advantage, especially for the householder who can learn about Buddhism in the comfort of their own homes. This is exactly how I started my journey, reading and listening to books written by Jack Kornfield, The Dali Lama, and Thich Nhat Hanh.
Sources for the Householder
There are countless sources of information that have been published on Buddhism in many different forms. It would be somewhat counterproductive to go into too much detail here. Here are some sources of information for learning the Dharma that I am aware of:
Literature – Thousands of books have been written on Buddhism and it is not the intent of this article to cover that mountain of literature. Instead, I’ll give you a short list of those books that are most meaningful to me:
Bringing Home the Dharma by Jack Kornfield is a great book for those beginning their Buddhist studies. “Jack Kornfield brings to life a way to understand and cultivate mindfulness, compassion, loving kindness, and true wisdom that penetrates to the core of what liberation is all about.”—Jon Kabat-Zinn
Food for the Heart by Ajahn Chah – I’ve listened and have read this countless times. This is a compilation of Ajahn Chah’s lectures on Buddhism. I would say the audience is those with an intermediate or advanced knowledge of Buddhism, but even the beginner would benefit from Ajahn Chah’s teaching.
Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind by Shunryu Suzuki. An excellent book on the Buddhist mindset and practice. “Though covering Zen basics like zazen posture, bowing, intention, and so on, Suzuki Roshi’s masterwork is hardly just for Zen people—or just for beginners, for that matter. It skillfully introduces important Buddhist concepts like non-attachment, emptiness, and enlightenment.”—Lion’s Roar
Buddhism for Beginners by Jack Kornfield. Created specifically to address the questions and needs of first-time students, here is Buddhism’s vast spiritual legacy, presented by one of America’s leading meditation teachers.
The Essential Dogen by Kazuaki Tanahashi. Eihei Dogen (1200–1253), founder of the Soto School of Zen Buddhism, is one of the greatest religious, philosophical, and literary geniuses of Japan. His writings have been studied by Zen students for centuries, particularly his masterwork, Shobo Genzo or Treasury of the True Dharma Eye. This is the first book to offer the great master’s incisive wisdom in short selections taken from the whole range of his voluminous works.
In the Buddha’s Words by Bhikkhu Bodhi (editor and translator). This might be considered for intermediate or advanced students. The American scholar-monk Bhikkhu Bodhi, whose voluminous translations have won widespread acclaim, here presents selected discourses of the Buddha from the Pali Canon, the earliest record of what the Buddha taught. Divided into ten thematic chapters, In the Buddha’s Words reveals the full scope of the Buddha’s discourses, from family life and marriage to renunciation and the path of insight. A concise, informative introduction precedes each chapter, guiding the reader toward a deeper understanding of the texts that follow. This is one of my personal favorites and if you follow my blog you will see me referencing versus from the Pali Canon with most of them coming from this book.
Great Disciples of the Buddha by Nyanaponika Thera (Author), Hellmuth Hecker (Author), and Bhikkhu Bodhi (Editor). Twenty-four of the Buddha’s most distinguished disciples are brought to life in ten chapters of rich narration. Drawn from a wide range of authentic Pali sources, the material in these stories has never before been assembled in a single volume. Conveniently annotated with the same system of sutta references used in each of the other series volumes, Great Disciples of the Buddha allows the reader to easily place each student in the larger picture of Buddha’s life. It is a volume that no serious student of Buddhism should miss.
Audio books – All books I mentioned above are also available on Audible.
Websites – Here are my favorite Buddhist websites:
https://tricycle.org/about/ – an excellent website, they publish a magazine in addition to their online presence. They require a membership fee to have full access to their website and magazine. The mission of the Tricycle Foundation is to make Buddhist teachings and practices available and to explore their traditional and contemporary expressions. Our work is inspired by the freedom of mind and heart that the Buddha taught is possible.
https://www.buddhistdoor.net/ – I found this one recently and am really impressed by the content and all it has to offer. Founded in 1995, Buddhistdoor Global (BDG) is an online Buddhist journal providing a diverse range of English-language Buddhist content to the world, centered on the Dharma and dedicated to serving Buddhist communities and helping practitioners navigate their spiritual path.
https://secularbuddhistnetwork.org/ – I find this a good place to learn about secular Buddhism and Buddhist practices in general. Contributes to the lessening of human suffering and to human flourishing – both to individual transformation and a fundamental realignment of our planetary priorities. We also seek to decrease the suffering of other sentient beings as well as to promote the flourishing of conditions that sustain life on this planet.
https://www.buddhanet.net/ – This is a wonderful website with lots of great information on Buddhism and Buddhist studies. BuddhaNet™ is the result of a vision to link up with the growing world-wide culture of people committed to the Buddha’s teachings and lifestyle, as an on-line cyber sangha. In this way, an ancient tradition and the information superhighway will come together to create an electronic meeting place of shared concern and interests.
Podcasts – I don’t use podcasts very much, but I know for some this is a great way to learn more about the dharma. Here are a few I’ve found:
YouTube – There are a couple of Buddhist YouTube channels that I watch on a frequent basis, including:
Ego Podcast (Buddhism) – https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCn71Yt1eMDo8Dhf7Zqy6NaA/join This is my favorite YouTube channel focused on Buddhism. The narrator is great and most of the teaching is from the Pali Canon and the quality of the videos is very good.
Doug’s Dharma – https://www.youtube.com/@DougsDharma Doug’s Dharma is a very good website for understanding a lot of the concepts in Buddhism. Doug is a very accomplished Buddhist and Philosopher. He has published at the time of this writing over 700 videos.
Local Buddhist temples/organizations – If you live in a medium to large-sized metropolitan area almost anywhere in the world you may find Buddhist temples and organizations that have a physical presence in your community. I live in the Dallas Fort Worth area of Texas USA and we have several temples and meditation centers. These temples and meditation centers offer dharma talks and opportunities for group meditation.
Do you need to choose a type of Buddhist practice?
There are several types of Buddhism that you may consider studying. In my own experience, I have studied a number of them and chose to combine their teachings into my own practice. To simplify things you should start by looking at the three primary types of Buddhism, which also encompasses other forms. The three types of Buddhism are as follows:
Theravada – This is a type of Buddhism focused on preserving the teachings of the Buddha from the Pali Canon. It is considered the oldest school of Buddhism. Other forms under the Theravada umbrella include:
Thai Forest tradition
Sri Lankan Forest Tradition
Southern Esoteric Buddhism
Modern Vipassana, or Insight movement
Mahayana – Known as the Great Vehicle or Great Path. It is the second most popular form of Buddhism. Other forms under the Mahayana umbrella include:
The Madhyamika or “Middle Way” school
The Yogacara or “yoga practice” school
The Chan / Zen / Seon schools
Pure Land Buddhism
The Jodo Shinshu school
Shingon, also known as the “mantra” school
Nichiren Buddhism
Vajrayana – Vajrayana (the “vajra” or “diamond vehicle,” signifying the indestructibility of its wisdom)
Tibetan Buddhism
Shingon Buddhism
Newar Buddhism
Secular Buddhism – This fourth type is very popular in the Western world. You can find a nice overview here called An introduction to secular Buddhism. Secular Buddhism is a ‘this-worldly’ practical and ethical philosophy, focused on the value of the dharma for and in this life.
Do you need a Teacher?
Is it necessary for the householder to have a teacher? Most of the books you will read by Buddhist teachers will advise that you have a teacher at least in the early stages of your practice to guide you along the right path. Traditionally, this has been the advice, but it may not be practical for the householder as they may not have access to a teacher. I think the answer to this question depends a lot on your personal learning style.
In my case, I prefer reading as a method for learning versus lectures. This allowed me to reread passages in the book and use things like Google search to learn more about terms like dharma, nirvana, and karma. I also found a number of really good Buddhist YouTube channels that supplemented my reading. In some ways, the YouTube channels were a substitute for lectures. My advice is to use the resources that fit your learning style in the beginning and then add resources as you progress.
Conclusion
There is no wrong way for the householder to learn about Buddhism. Like anything else it is important to expose yourself to as many sources of knowledge as possible; all will lead to a better understanding of Buddhism. My advice would include being patient with yourself and your practice. You are in the process of understanding Buddhism and creating a practice for yourself. Ultimately if you are a householder or a monastic your practice must become your own, based on your own insights, and realizations.
Personally, I have spent 25+ years learning about Buddhism and I continue to learn more every day. It is a never-ending source of joy and has benefited me in countless ways. I wish you great joy as you embark upon this journey as a Buddhist householder.
I’ll leave you with a quote from Ajahn Chah that speaks to becoming a Buddhist and the role of the dharma:
In the same way, walking the path to reach the Buddhadhamma is something each one of us must do individually, for no one can do it for us. And we must travel along the proper path of morality, concentrations, and wisdom until we attain the blessings of purity, radiance, and peacefulness of mind that are the fruits of traveling the Path. But if one has knowledge of books and scriptures, sermons, and suttas and only that–that is, only the map or plans for the journey one will never know purity, radiance, and peacefulness of mind, even if one lives hundreds of lives. Instead one will just waste time and never get to the real benefits of practice. Teachers can only point out the direction of the Path, the fruits of practice, is strictly up to each one of us. Ajahn Chah – Food for the Heart
The key takeaway from Ajahn Chah is to not be too enamored with studying texts and even hearing sermons, but instead to focus on the practice. I myself include the reading of texts as part of my practice, but really it is but a small part. Use these texts in their various forms to get a basic understanding of the dharma, but don’t make this the core activity of your practice. The real work will be in changing your thinking, removing cravings and attachments, and meditating. If your goal is to end suffering and acquire peacefulness of mind you need to put in the effort to actually implement what you have studied into your life. This is the practice.
“Copyright 2025 TheStoicBuddhist.com. All Rights Reserved”
For over 20 years I have been studying and practicing Buddhism as a householder. My interest in Buddhism began in my early forties, and now in my sixties I have a great appreciation for how this ancient philosophy has impacted my life for the better. One way to define a householder is to state what they are not. A householder is not a monk that has left their home for the monastic life. Conversely a householder as the name implies may live in a house or apartment, with or without other family members, and have a job at some point in their life. As I refer to the terms householder and layperson please consider them as the same thing for the purposes of this post. The other key difference between the layperson and the monastic is that the monastic has devoted their life to Buddhism, where the layperson has not. You probably know this already, but in pursuit of being complete I included this definition of the householder / layperson.
Challenges for the Householder
In my next few blog posts I will address the challenges of the layperson in greater detail, but for those of you that are already a Buddhist or those considering Buddhism becoming part of your life it is important to consider the challenges. It is important to know that you are not alone and there millions of people that consider themselves Buddhist’s that are not monastics. In fact householders would be the vast majority of Buddhists. I would never want to give the impression that any of these challenges are insurmountable. To me these are some of the challenges not to be confused with impediments. While not an exhaustive list, these are some of the challenges I have encountered:
Time to Practice – Unlike the monastic the householder must divide their time between their role in society, family, and work leaving much less time for their practice than a monastic.
Learning the Dharma – The householder may not have a teacher, where the monastic most certainly will. This brings out a another challenge of how does the layperson learn and interpret the dharma?
Meditation – In some ways this is both a time issue and an issue of not having a teacher. How do you learn to meditate without a teacher? This also is directly related to “Time to Practice”.
Enlightenment – What is your path to enlightenment? Is it reasonable goal for the householder? Do you think a layperson can become enlightened?
Community – The monastic has the Sangha. The Sangha is made up of Buddhist monks and nuns, or bhikkhus and bhikkhunis, who follow a strict code of discipline and teach the Dharma to other Buddhists. Typically as a householder you have no one but yourself to make you accountable for your practice. How does the householder acquire a community of like minded people all studying the dharma, meditating together, and seeking Nibbāna?
Householder Advantages
Being a householder myself, I would be remiss if I omitted the advantages that I see for this lifestyle over that of the monastic. You might think that the householder is at a big disadvantage in advancing their practice verses the monastic, but in some ways the opposite is true.
Access to the Dharma – Over the past few decades we have seen the dharma made available to the householder in books, websites, social media, blogs, and audio recordings about Buddhism. In fact you have access to materials that even the monastic is likely to never read or listen to.
Integration – Unlike the monastic you will need to integrate Buddhism into a life that might include a job, family, friends, owning or renting a home. In many ways this is an opportunity to gauge how well your practice is progressing as you deal with the everyday issues and challenges faced by the layperson.
Customizing your Practice – As a householder your exposure to the dharma (teachings) may include different Buddhist sects such as Mahayana, Zen, Vajrayana, Tibetan, or Theravada. It is likely that your discovery of the dharma will come from various sources and in my way of thinking this may be an advantage, allowing you to customize your practice based on different texts. As a householder you might view the tenants of Buddhism in a somewhat broader context than a monastic being taught say Zen Buddhism.
Conclusion
I’m going to keep this intentionally short because I would like to do followup posts for each of the challenges and advantages for the householder listed above. One should also consider that the vast majority of those that consider themselves Buddhist’s are householders. My guess is that if you are reading this post you are a householder that is practicing Buddhism or have an interest in it.
In future posts, I would like to make a case for the Buddhist practice for the householder. The idea of the householder becoming a Buddhist is more relevant today, than it was 2500 years ago when the Buddha walked this earth. The access we have to the Dharma and tools like social media help us overcome some of the impediments we face living the life of a householder vs. a monastic. In this world consumed by greed, lust, destruction, and violence we need a north star to guide us towards a more meaningful existence and some modicum of happiness. I sincerely believe Buddhism can provide this and more…..
Call to Action
I would love to hear what you think about the challenges or advantages you encounter as Buddhist householder or someone that is interested in Buddhism.
References and Notes:
Nibbāna is the goal of many Buddhist paths and leads to release from the cycle of rebirth and suffering. For reference Nibbāna is the Pali word for Nirvana (enlightenment).
In Buddhism, dharma is the doctrine, the universal truth common to all individuals at all times, proclaimed by the Buddha.
This is a bit longer than my normal posts as the topic of this post is focused on the 2nd Noble Truth “the origin of dukkha” and also touches on the 3rd and 4th Noble truths. For the purposes of this blog post, you can think of craving and attachment as the same thing and will be used interchangeably. Most of my references are from books in the Pali Canon. The Pāli Canon is the standard collection of scriptures in the Theravada Buddhist tradition, as preserved in the Pāli language. When I mention Dhamma or Dharma I am using it as it refers to the Buddha’s teaching. I know this seems a bit obvious, but when I refer to your practice, I mean the study of Buddhism and the implementation of your studies via meditation and mindfulness.
When I think about attachment from the perspective of Buddhism. I think about craving, passion, obsession, worship, yearning, desire, lust, and appetite. The Buddha states in the Four Noble Truths:
“Bhikkhus, it is through not realizing, through not penetrating the Four Noble Truths that this long course of birth and death has been passed through and undergone by me as well as by you. What are these four? They are the noble truth of dukkha; the noble truth of the origin of dukkha; the noble truth of the cessation of dukkha; and the noble truth of the way to the cessation of dukkha. But now, bhikkhus, that these have been realized and penetrated, cut off is the craving for existence, destroyed is that which leads to renewed becoming, and there is no fresh becoming.” DN 16
So the second Noble Truth defined:
“And this, monks is the noble truth of the origination of dukkha: the craving that makes for further becoming — accompanied by passion & delight, relishing now here & now there — i.e., craving for sensual pleasure, craving for becoming, craving for non-becoming.” SN 56.11
Not one to second guess the Buddha Siddhartha Gautama this post will make the case that your pain and suffering, are indeed caused by your attachments. It is believed that the Buddha was born about 2500 years ago, but many of the fundamental attachments (cravings) found then are much the same today. We of course have added through technology some additional forms of attachment such as social media, porn, gaming, and a variety of drugs. Even a seemingly good habit can still be a form of attachment, especially when it becomes an obsession. In the remainder of this writing we will focus on the different forms of attachment, the price of attachment, how to destroy attachment, and what our life becomes after attachment.
As with almost everything I write there is always a personal motive, usually my own life experience that compels me to challenge the way I live and to scrutinize my own attachments. This is one of those moments where I question why I am attached to so many things and how I could eliminate or lessen these attachments.
We all live in a highly materialistic world, bombarded by advertisements that seek to create a craving for some new thing or experience. Unlike 20 years ago, your online presence creates streams of data for our friends at Google, Facebook, Instagram, Apple, and Amazon. If you’re reading this you are already aware of this and through your practice, you are seeking ways to combat this bombardment of what is simply advertising. My hope is that by the time you have finished reading this post, you will at a minimum have a better awareness of your own attachments, but beyond awareness, you will be formulating a plan to dismantle them. Ultimately the escape from the attachments leads you closer to your authentic Buddha nature.
Forms of Attachment
Attachments can take many different forms and all attachments come with a consequence. To hold on to these attachments is in direct conflict with what we seek to achieve with our practice. Attachments can be categorized in several ways:
Addictions
Often the most destructive type of attachment is being addicted to some substance or behavior. These are some of the common addictions that can be considered an attachment:
Drugs – such as cocaine, heroin, meth, and cannabis are just a few examples.
Alcohol – recent studies have shown that alcohol changes the brain and destroys cells in numerous parts of the body. While alcohol is still widely acceptable in our society it is a poison.
Nicotine in the form of cigarettes, vape, cigars, and pipes. One of the most difficult habits to break and use over the long term that comes from smoking or vaping destroys the lungs and heart.
Porn – While it probably won’t kill you it is an unhealthy distraction that wastes time and sets an unrealistic expectation of what sex should be for most people.
Sex – The attachment to sex has destroyed many a relationship, often manifesting itself in seeking out different partners to satisfy this craving.
Materialism / Things / Money
In the eternal quest for more, we become attached to things. We feel like we never have enough, regardless of how much we have accumulated. In fact, the people with the most wealth make their lives work to seek even more. We are never satisfied, never truly grateful for what we have, even though we innately know that all this stuff and money will not make us happy. Here are just a few examples of materialistic attachment:
Real estate – This is usually first your home, but once this is achieved you want a second or a third home. The extremely rich not only purchase multiple homes but also acquire vast amounts of land buying up farms to add to their portfolio of investments.
Automobiles – I’m not personally attached to automobiles, but I see that many people are. In the United States, you can get a decent new car for $20,000 – $30,000. It won’t be a BMW, but it will be reliable transportation. Instead, the average price for a new car is around $48,000. What this tells you is that a lot of people are buying cars in the $60,000 – $100,00 range. Not only doesn’t this expensive car get you from place to place any more efficiently it costs more to insure and often gets poor gas mileage.
Electronics – You have a 60” television, but why not get an 80” one? Your phone is two years old so you trade it in for the latest and greatest $1,000 phone.
Toys – Here I’m talking about acquiring boats, motorcycles, all-terrain vehicles, and any other unnecessary vehicle.
Money – You work the majority of your life, spending and accumulating money. There is an underlying fear that it is never enough, so you continue your wage slavery or run your own business so that you can acquire more money. You invest this money into stocks, bonds, mutual funds, precious metals, bitcoin, real estate, etc. so that your money can make more money increasing your wealth. Of course, you can’t take it with you so you die and leave it to your heirs or some charity of your choice.
People and Yourself
The attachment to others in its various forms is contrary to the goals of your practice. You are judging other people to find those worthy of your worship and adulation. In a way you are giving up your own ability to think and reason and giving the power to someone else. You are a follower, even when it is someone in your own family like a mother, father, spouse, or sibling. As a Buddhist even being too attached to the Buddha is perilous. The Buddha always wanted us to question what he taught to make sure we came to our own conclusions. Then there is this little thing called impermanence. That celebrity, politician, athlete, friend, or family member will someday cease to exist. As much as you may love someone being so attached to them that you can’t see yourself living without them only sets you up for what is inevitable.
Celebrities – You may admire someone who’s considered a celebrity, but attaching yourself to them and feeling that you know them is unhealthy. All you really see is a public persona, which might be quite different from who the person really is.
Politicians – How much harm has come to a particular country when the people begin looking at a politician as some deity and believe everything they say without question? Adolph Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Joseph Stalin, and Mao Zedong are great 20th-century examples of when people blindly follow someone on the road to complete destruction.
Athletes – I don’t think this is anything new. I can imagine the Romans were attached to certain Gladiators. In more recent times it might be soccer, American football, basketball, tennis, cricket, rugby, or some other sport athlete. For some people, these individuals are like gods to them. It’s not the athlete’s fault for they are only human, but when you make judgments of them beyond their athletic prowess you may be disappointed.
Spouses / Partners – One of the greatest forms of attachment may be to a spouse or partner. This all seems quite natural and good you might think. To a certain degree, it might seem that some level of attachment makes you a better partner, but what happens when it all blows up in your face? Even your relationship is impermanent; they may leave you, fall out of love with you, they may get sick, or might die. Now what are you going to do?
Family – You might be thinking that being attached to a celebrity, politician, or athlete could be an unhealthy obsession, but surely not a family member. Maybe, but being attached even to your family could become a source of pain. You have been told by society that sacrificing for your family is noble and good. In fact, it is normally something that is admired, but no one talks about the cost to you as an individual.
Self – I like to think about this as an attachment formed by this individualistic world, where we view ourselves as separate from the rest of humanity. I have a view of myself, maybe as a professional at work, or parent, child, or friend. It is true we are individuals, but we are part of a network of living beings that inhabit this world. We tend to have more in common with others than real differences. However, over the years we built a somewhat rigid definition of self and this weakens our view of us as members of the the human race. Not only do we view ourselves as unique among our homo sapiens species, but we tend to consider ourselves superior to other living beings.
Impermanence
The transient nature of life, impermanence, becomes our great realization regarding craving and desires. We realize that nothing including our money, physical form, possessions, addictions, and relationships will stand the test of time as they are all transient. We all inherently know this, but it doesn’t seem to stop us from pursuing our desires. Probably the most impermanent of things is ourselves and as a living being we have an unknown shelf life. You often hear things like well you are only alive once so go get everything you can and experience every pleasure known to humanity. Of course, for some people, impermanence provides a realization that life is precious and acquiring more stuff, working harder, and superficial pleasures are a waste of time.
While Dukkha (suffering) is caused by craving and attachment impermanence only increases our suffering as a root cause. From the Pali Canon before his enlightenment, the Buddha says:
“Before my enlightenment, O monks, while I was still a bodhisattva, it occurred to me: ‘What is the gratification in the world, what is the danger in the world, what is the escape from the world?’ Then it occurred to me: ‘Whatever pleasure and joy there is in the world, this is the gratification in the world; that the world is impermanent, bound up with suffering, and subject to change, this is the danger in the world; the removal and abandoning of desire and lust for the world, this is the escape from the world.” AN 3:101
Price of Attachment
I hope by now I have made at least a bit of a case for suffering being caused by an attachment or craving for something. Most of the things we crave end up having a dark side and can be outright destructive. In the past, I would lean pretty heavily on alcohol as a means of coping with my work and relationships. You can only guess how well that went. I wouldn’t have considered myself an alcoholic, but I did drink one or two nights a week, typically on a Friday night. I was a binge drinker and would drink until I was really drunk and passed out. About six months ago I decided to quit and while there were some initial cravings they went away over time. Just looking at this example the price of attachment was pretty significant in terms of my health and the psychological crutch it had become to help me deal with my problems. Of course, it didn’t help me deal with my problems it only made things worse. I was fortunate and hadn’t done any considerable damage to myself, but I had strained some very important relationships and had used alcohol as an escape that prevented me from dealing with my problems.
Our pursuit of these attachments whether they be an addiction, some kind of unrealistic expectation of others and ourselves, or the fact that we chose materialism over other more important things all came at a price. These attachments often eroded away our integrity, truthfulness, and spirituality. Unless one is very diligent and mindful most cravings have a tendency to increase over time driving the price you pay even higher. The ultimate price you pay for the attachment to craving is dukkha (suffering). The primary purpose of Buddhism is to free you from these cravings and ultimately eliminate suffering. We will next look at ways that can help you eliminate suffering by the cessation of suffering.
Eliminating Attachment
In the Discourse On Right View in the book of Majjhima Nikaya (MN), the venerable Sariputta addressed the monks on the meaning of Right View. In this case specifically on Craving:
“When friends, a noble disciple understands craving, the origin of craving, the cessation of craving, and the way leading to the cessation of craving, in that way, he is one of right view and has arrived at this true Dhamma.”
“And what is craving, what is the origin of craving, what is the cessation of craving, what is the way leading to the cessation of craving? There are these six classes of craving: craving for forms, craving for sounds, craving for odors, craving for flavors, craving for tactile objects, and craving for mental phenomena. With the arising of feeling there is the arising of craving. With the cessation of feeling there is the cessation of craving. The way leading to the cessation of craving is just this Noble Eightfold Path; that is right view, right aspiration, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration.”
“When a noble disciple has thus understood craving, the origin of craving, the cessation of craving, and the way leading to the cessation of craving he here and now makes an end of suffering. In that way, too a noble disciple is one of right view and has arrived at this true Dhamma.” MN 9:46-55
In Buddhism, as stated in the Four Nobel Truths the cessation of craving requires that the believer follows the Eightfold Path. I won’t go into each of the steps in the Eightfold Path as that would be a book all by itself, but if eliminating suffering by ceasing all these attachments you have acquired then that is the cure. As Sariputta puts that is the “true Dhamma”.
As a householder myself, I don’t limit my aspirations to just dealing with my cravings (attachments), but I like any follower of Buddhism seek to eliminate them whenever possible. The question for the layperson or even a monastic might be is it even possible to eliminate all attachments?
My view is that it is possible to eliminate all your attachments and if it is not complete elimination to at least lessen their influence on you.
I recently read this quote by Eckhart Tolle that speaks to attachments:
“How do you let go of attachments to things? Don’t even try. It’s impossible. Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them.”
This is a profound quote because as you begin to follow the path many of the things you crave will drop away and be replaced by the Dhamma. You no longer crave more material possessions and many of your attachments will as Eckhart Tolle said just drop away.
Not All Attachments Are Equal
There are those attachments that are simply destructive such as an addiction or a propensity to commit violence versus being overly attached to other people. The first may lead to death while the former may just be mentally unhealthy. I think it might also be useful to consider what a craving or unhealthy attachment is and what a healthy aspiration is. You could make a case for materialism the acquisition of more and more things as an unhealthy attachment, but is the attachment to your family or to your practice a form of craving you need to eliminate?
I think the answer to determining if something is a craving you need to eliminate lies in the aspiration behind it. If this craving creates suffering it is an unhealthy attachment on the other hand if your attachment is born from a healthy aspiration such as helping other people then it leans more towards being a worthwhile behavior versus a destructive craving.
To a large degree, the success you have in eliminating attachments will be commensurate with your devotion to your practice. For you or anyone else to free themselves from suffering caused by craving requires change. To be clear Buddhism is not the only vehicle invented to end suffering. Many of the popular religions of the world such as Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and Hinduism have a similar goal. The key difference is Buddhism offers a road map to end suffering in this lifetime. No deity or heaven awaits the end of suffering is available now. It would help if you believed that most of your attachments are causing the suffering you experience and you need to be willing to devote time to your practice, otherwise, the cyclical nature of craving resulting in suffering is inevitable.
Life After Attachment
There are some questions that naturally come up when one seeks to eliminate attachments. What is your life like after the destruction of attachment? Do you just fade away? Are you now just wandering through life with no goals or purpose?
I feel there are a lot of misconceptions about Buddhists. My posts are geared towards the householder or layperson, someone leading an active life, but practices Buddhism. I can’t speak to those Buddhists who live in a monastery and devote their lives solely to their practice, other than say they have devoted their life to their practice, which provides them more time to focus on it.
I can only answer the question about life after attachments have been eliminated from a personal perspective. To begin with, this whole idea of eliminating attachments is a process and I have not come to the point of eliminating all of my own cravings. I do have a realization as to what I am attached to and some understanding of the price I pay for these attachments. If nothing else I am mindful of my shortcomings and work to address them. I’m not sure that I will ever fully be free of attachments, especially to my family. This would also indicate that I have not attained Nibbana (pali) word for being enlightened. Looking at the lives of Buddhists such as the late Thich Nhat Hanh or the Dali Lama one doesn’t get the impression of some unfeeling person, instead, they appear to have been people full of life and joyous.
The question of will you still have goals? My answer is you most definitely have goals, but they may be less self-serving. Those goals that are for the betterment of the world will contribute to your peace of mind versus causing the suffering you have been experiencing chasing your cravings. As the attachments fade away your life will become fuller, you become more present, and even the way you perceive time changes. If you think that by eliminating attachments you become some non-feeling person who no longer can experience joy, love, and compassion you are mistaken. Instead, you may be eliminating anger, resentment, and greed.
Conclusion
Is there a middle way between the complete destruction of all attachments as might be a goal for a bhikkhu or nun vs. a layperson.? Even the realization and control over your attachments and desires is a positive step in the right direction. The answer to this question is directly related to the goal of your practice. If the goal of your practice is complete renunciation of all cravings and attachments then you are headed towards trying to realize Nibbana. I personally don’t believe all Buddhists must make this the goal of their practice, for the layperson or householder it may be sufficient to remove as many attachments as possible so that you are not in some state of continuous suffering (dhukka).
I think it is important that you realize that an aspiration to end suffering is not craving in itself. Think of this aspiration to end suffering as a desire. After all, you need this aspiration to be diligent in your practice. Even the fading away of a few attachments in your life will make a massive difference in the quality of your life. If it is any level of peace and mindfulness that you seek then your practice should be leading you to eliminate craving. Living in continuous suffering is the opposite of what the Buddha wanted for us.
Please comment or like. I would be very interested in your opinions on this topic.
