You think you have problems that challenge your ability to choose what you want in your life. You feel that you are compelled to go against your best instincts. I understand this and am empathetic to your plight, but consider the challenges of what John McCain or Viktor Frankl endured to preserve their freedom of choice.
John McCain was tortured by the North Vietnamese in prison, offered to be let go early and refused so he could stay with his men. Viktor Frankl endured life as a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp, and created a whole new branch of psychology based on human choice and the greatness inherent in us all. Are your problems really preventing you from exercising your freedom of choice?
For God’s sake, you are not living in a concentration camp or a prison in a foreign country, or maybe the prison is of your own making. Ask yourself who controls your choices? Are these choices dictated by some external force or situation? Take back control and let your freedom of choice guide you.